The Story of Dabura
by Kujila
Summary: The little known story behind the Demon Lord of Darkness.
1. Mark of the Majin

Surrounded by hordes of demons grovelling and scraping before him, Dabura relaxed on his giant throne and decided that it was going to be a good day.   
  
"Oh great lord Dabura!" A squat creature that looked something like a horned tomato waddled up to him. "There's a parcel for you here."   
  
"Ah! A parcel!" Dabura smiled. "It must be the ninja costume I ordered off the Internet. You are dismissed, small messenger demon. I will open this parcel in the privacy of my room."   
  
Dabura rose from the throne, his cape swirling around his boots as he left the chamber and entered his private quarters. The luxuriant room was decorated with extremely realistic statues, and a small imp sat in the corner continually playing the theme from Ghostbusters.   
  
"Hello, Johnny," said Dabura to the imp. "Can you play something more ninja-like today? My ninja costume has arrived."   
  
"Sure thing, boss." Johnny reached for his accordion. "I'm not entirely sure what a ninja is, though. Is it some kind of fish?"   
  
"You'll see." Dabura tore open the parcel and lifted the cardboard flaps. "Behold! It is--"   
  
"SURPRISE!" A wrinkly lemon with hairs leapt from the box, waving his skinny arms and grinning like a madman. "It is I, the Great Magician Babidi!" His black-rimmed eyes swivelled to face Dabura. "And you must be the Demon Lord of Darkness, Dabura!"   
  
"What!" Dabura snarled, revealing his long fangs. "You're not a ninja costume! You're not even an extremely attractive woman! You're some sort of yellow pickle!"   
  
Babidi hopped out of the cardboard box and smoothed out his cloak. "You won't be so mean to me when I'm done controlling your evil," he said, tapping his chin-tendrils wisely. "You'll do everything I command!"   
  
"I doubt it. I am the Great Dabura! None can command me."   
  
Babidi closed his eyes and extended his skinny little fingers. "Just give me a second... okay. PAPPARAPA!"   
  
"Gwoooo!" Dabura clutched his face as the letter M slowly burned into his forehead. His yellow eyes slitted with pain. "You're inside my head!"   
  
"Hahaha! You're mine now!"   
  
Uncontrolled energy crackled in the air as Dabura's evil grew inside him until it possessed every inch of his being. Finally, Babidi released his grip, and Dabura's writhing hands relaxed. His face was drenched with sweat. The M on his forehead glowed briefly.   
  
"Okay," said Dabura. "What the hell was that?"   
  
"You're Majin Dabura now, my strongest henchman! You will help me resurrect Majin Buu!"   
  
"Why?"   
  
"Er... because you want to!"   
  
"I do?"   
  
"Yes," said Babidi. "It's all you want in the world."   
  
Dabura considered this. "For some reason, it does seem as though resurrecting Majin Buu is all I want in the world. That, and to serve and protect my great master Babidi."   
  
Babidi smiled wickedly. This was great! He had been worried that Dabura might be too powerful to control, but clearly his worries had been baseless. Now nobody could stop him, not even that meddling Kaioshin!   
  
Dabura chuckled quietly as he watched Babidi caper and dance. Of course the hairy little wizard couldn't control him - he was the Lord of the Demon World! But it would amuse him to follow this little creature around, especially as his ninja costume had failed to arrive.   
  
Johnny grinned fiendishly. He was... he had no idea what was going on! But he wanted to have a paragraph of his thoughts as well, because otherwise he'd feel left out. Rice sure is delicious with a light sauce! His arm sure got tired playing the Ghostbusters theme all day. Maybe if was good he'd get promoted to the guy who carefully combed Dabura's goatee.   
  
"Come, Dabura! Leave your world of evil and help me resurrect Majin Buu!"   
  
"Sure," said Dabura. "Just let me pack my things." 


	2. Babidi's Plans

"Isn't this great, Dabura?" shouted Babidi, as the wind forced his tiny hairs flat against his head. "Flying through space at super speeds, with our heads out the window!"   
  
"Shouldn't our heads be decompressing in the vacuum? And how are we managing to breathe without the oxygen? And there isn't any wind in space to blow your hairs back like that."   
  
"Don't question it or bad things might happen. Look! It's a supernova! So pretty!"   
  
"So," said Dabura, turning his attention to the two pilots nervously sitting at the controls of Babidi's spaceship. "Where are we going?"   
  
"To the planet Pui," said Babidi. "There lives a dread space bandit who has been preying on passing ships. I will control him, and he will join our cause!"   
  
Babidi hopped down from the window seat and trotted towards the pilots. The bridge of his spaceship was a wide, circular room, with the controls comfortably forced up against one of the curving edges. In the centre of the room, both on floor and ceiling, was a round hatch that allowed teleportation from one floor to another.   
  
"Can't we go any faster?"   
  
"Sorry, Lord Babidi," said the pilot. "We're going at Warp 9 now. I don't think we can go any faster."   
  
"Have you ever tried?"   
  
"Well," said the co-pilot. "We could try, but I'm pretty sure the result would be the ship exploding and killing us all. That would slow us down for AT LEAST a month."   
  
"Come with me, Dabura. I'd like to show you something." Babidi led the demon king towards the hatches, and the metallic iris of the lower one slowly grated open. Hovering, Babidi stepped off the floor and descended through the levels of the spaceship, Dabura beside him.   
  
Finally their feet met the metallic ground beneath them. The lighting on the final floor was shady and indistinct, but there was enough illumination to see the huge, bulbous cocoon mounted against the wall. It throbbed quietly.   
  
"Can I touch it?" said Dabura, prodding it. "It's all slimy."   
  
"Don't do that! If you wake up Majin Buu now, he won't have any of his power. We have to steal the energy from the living and give them to the Cocoon, so that Majin Buu will be revived just as powerful as he was when he served my father Bibidi!"   
  
"What does this Majin look like?" Dabura began to circle the cocoon, peering at it. It had a mottled green skin with an unhealthy shine. Babidi tugged on his chin tendril as he considered his answer.   
  
"Well, I've never seen Buu," said the little wizard. "But I'm guessing he's about ten feet tall, has giant wings, can breathe fire, has a row of serrated fangs and is able to crush rocks on his head and stop a waterfall with a blast."   
  
"Cool," said Dabura. "Not as cool as me, but still cool. It'd be cooler if he was big, fat and playful, though."   
  
"Not likely! My father would never have such a lame Majin." Babidi glanced upwards. "We've stopped! We must be at Planet Pui!" 


	3. Introducing PuiPui

Planet Pui was a revolving orb of shimmering sapphire and attractive white clouds, with a solitary moon hunting in orbit around it. Babidi's spaceship skimmed through the atmosphere and brushed up against the treetops before slamming into a mountain and destroying twenty kilometres of pristine wilderness. Underneath the attractive sky, however, a constant pall of shadow kept the land dark.   
  
"Nice landing," said Babidi. "You're really improving."   
  
"Really?"   
  
"No! That sucked! I'm going to kill you!"   
  
"Oh, damnit," said the pilot, and then his muscles expanded and ruptured, splattering his insides all over the room. The co-pilot dived for cover. "And if you ever crash land like that again, I'm going to... to... to explode your exploded parts as well!"   
  
Dabura emerged from the shadows. "Babidi--"   
  
"You mean MASTER Babidi, Dabura."   
  
"Right. MASTER Babidi. I have ensured that there are no immediate dangers to you outside this spaceship."   
  
"Good! Good!" Babidi clapped his hands. "And how did you do that?"   
  
"I destroyed the entire population of the planet."   
  
"What?! What about my victim?"   
  
"Well, I assumed that somebody strong enough to be worth controlling would survive my massacre. Plus, I was really, really bored."   
  
"Well, we won't worry about that now. Let's go investigate the scenery."   
  
As they picked their way through the fallen rubble of the crash site, the grey evening above them faded to a nocturnal twilight, stars emerging to point and laugh at Babidi as he tripped and rolled violently down a steep slope lined with jagged rocks.   
  
"Ouch!"   
  
"Are you alright, Babi-- MASTER Babidi?"   
  
"I'm fine! In fact, I meant to do that!" Babidi jumped to his feet and gingerely removed a shard of rock from his brain. "Now, if my Babidi Senses are right, there is still one person left alive on this planet. And he's nearby!"   
  
"FREEZE!" A shadow emerged from the rocks, fingers extended towards Dabura and Babidi. His long white exoskeleton curved around his gleaming yellow eyes, and a silly mouth that seemed fix in a permanent stupid grin. "Are you responsible for the slaughter of millions upon millions of innocent, harmless Pui's?"   
  
"Yes," said Dabura.   
  
"Ah. Well, would you be scared to find out that I am the Great Pui-Pui, Scourge of the Galaxy?"   
  
"No," said Dabura.   
  
"You should be. It may look like I am merely holding my hands in a ridiculous way, but I can in fact shoot energy attacks that would destroy you in an instant!"   
  
"You mean, like this one?" Dabura lifted his hand and fired a ball of sparkling energy that slammed Pui-Pui in the chest and sent him flying into a nearby boulder. It crumbled, burying the bandit underneath a crushing weight of rubble.   
  
"Dabura! Did you just kill him?"   
  
"If he was killed by that, Master Babidi, he doesn't deserve to be in our crazy gang."   
  
The rubble began to quiver, and then the pile of rocks slid away as Pui-Pui stumbled to his feet. "Okay. So, you can fire energy blasts too. I'm not afraid! I can see by your expression of pure agony that you're having trouble with the gravity on my home planet, which is ten times heavier than your own!"   
  
Dabura smiled. "So that's what that tiny tickling sensation was."   
  
"Ha! You tell him, Dabura! We're not scared of ten times gravity! We can take it!" Babidi punched a little fist in the air. "So there-- wait. Did you say TEN times?"   
  
"Yes," said Pui-Pui sulkily. "It's a very scary amount of gravity."   
  
"I can't handle that much! I'm going to be flattened like a pancake! Dabura, save me!"   
  
Dabura glanced at the non-flat Babidi. "You seem to be fine."   
  
"Well, yes, but that's because I'm using my energy barrier and-- oh, that's right! I have an energy barrier. I don't have to worry about the gravity. What a relief!" Babidi patted his chest. "Relax, heart, relax. No flattening for us today."   
  
"Is he always like this?" Pui-Pui whispered. Dabura nodded.   
  
"Well, enough small talk!" Babidi's fingers spread apart as he pushed his hands forward. "It's time to control you, Dread Pui-Pui! PAPPARAPA!"   
  
"Papparapa? Is that some sort of rap term? It's not verGUGUGG! GUGHG!" Pui-Pui face was a mask of agony as the M insidously crawled over his forehead. "What's going on? I feel like somebody just put a giant cannibal spider INTO MY BRAIN!"   
  
"It only hurts for a week or so," said Dabura. "I found that beating my skull against a metal wall before I went to sleep helped dull the pain."   
  
Pui-Pui sunk to his knees, evil energy beginning to form a dark aura around his body. "Is my vision meant to go dark like this? What are you doing to me? Make it stop!"   
  
"It won't stop until you obey me, the Great Babidi!" Babidi did a little jig of victory. "Say, 'You are the best, Lord Babidi!'"   
  
"You're a stupid little wrinkly thing!"   
  
"No, you got it wrong," said Babidi, focusing harder. The M tore into Pui-Pui's skull, and he released a final scream of agony as his will was lost forever.   
  
"You're... you are the best, Lord Babidi." Pui-Pui shakily stood again. "And I will obey your every command."   
  
Dabura frowned. This one wasn't pretending, like he was. Truly, Babidi COULD possess others and control them in every way. He would have to be careful, and to ensure that his free will remained absolute. Yes. And then, in time, he would grow tired of these games and finish things in his own way. It was worthy of an evil laugh. "Hahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA! GWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"   
  
"Er, Dabura?" Babidi was looking at him strangely. "Why are you laughing?"   
  
"Uh." Dabura cleared his throat. "Yes. I just remembered an extremely funny joke."   
  
"Well, tell us! I love jokes!"   
  
Dabura glanced around nervously. "Why did the... the man... and the... two of them, went into a bar, and... and... oh no! I sense an incredible energy approaching!"   
  
"What?! An incredible energy! Dabura! Pui-Pui! Get me back to the spaceship!"   
  
Dabura and Babidi began to return to the ship, but Pui-Pui stood in the growing darkness, his expression one of confusion. Then slowly his face cleared and he began to laugh. "I get it now! That Dabura makes the best jokes!" 


	4. Dabura Learns to Fly the Spaceship

Babidi's spaceship had a special level reserved for all his generic, nameless henchman. The minute Babidi himself stepped through the doorway, they froze and began praying to their respective gods that they weren't going to be picked for anything.   
  
"I need a new pilot!"   
  
"What... what happened to the old one?" said a small, timid henchman, sucking quietly on a straw.   
  
"I killed him."   
  
There was a choking sound as the timid henchman swallowed his straw. "So, who wants to be his replacement? Hurry up! I haven't got all day! Who here knows how to fly this stupid spaceship?"   
  
Babidi stabbed a finger towards a thin henchman hiding in the corner. "YOU! Have you ever flown a spaceship?"   
  
"No! I haven't! Ever!"   
  
Babidi considered this. "You sound just perfect for the job, then!"   
  
"No! Must escape!" The henchman glanced around wildly. "Only way out is to... TEAR OFF MY OWN HEAD!"   
  
Babidi winced. "Well, that was ugly."   
  
"Master Babidi, if I may."   
  
"Dabura? What do you want?"   
  
"Allow me to fly the spaceship, Master Babidi. My flying skills are incredible. I was the one who flew into the Death Star and fired torpedoes to completely destroy it. Back at Demon Flying School, they used to call me 'Dabura'."   
  
"But that's your name."   
  
"Exactly, Master Babidi. So may I fly the spaceship?"   
  
Babidi grumbled as they headed back to the bridge. "If I wasn't a completely real and non-fictional character, Dabura, I'd swear this was a fanfiction based entirely on you."   
  
As Dabura settled into his comfortable seat and hit random buttons, Babidi paced as he explained his plans to Pui-Pui, Dabura and the ceiling. "There's a terrible beast that haunts a dark region of space where light has never shone," he said. "A monster so powerful and dangerous that none have ever seen his face in light and lived to describe his horrible, horrible faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace--"   
  
"I apologise," said Dabura. "I thought that was the 'Go Slower' button, but apparently it was the 'Go Really Really Fast Button.'" His eyes gleamed. "Permission to press it again?"   
  
"No!!"   
  
"Master Babidi," said Pui-PUi. "What guarantee do we have that this horrible monster won't eat us?"   
  
"I expect you two to take care of that."   
  
"What if I cannot restrain him without accidentally killing him?" observed Dabura. "Perhaps I should use the tractor beam to reel him in."   
  
"Dabura, I don't HAVE a tractor beam."   
  
"I think you need to gain his trust with a gift," said the ceiling. "That way, you can establish a friendship and exploit it giving you the opportunity to control him as a loyal servant."   
  
"Good idea, ceiling! If only you weren't non-sentient terrain serving to keep the sky out of the room, I'd promote you. Dabura - press the Go Really Really Fast Button!" 


	5. Yakon

Darkness. An endless expanse of inky void. A shadowy nebulous cloud of tenebrous, clammy fingers of wraithlike dark.   
  
"And that's just the first part of my poem," said Pui-Pui. "The second part talks about how nobody loves me and how I'm going to cut my wrists any time now."   
  
"Oh, and we're also in the galaxy you requested," added Dabura. "Everything here is so dark I can't get the sensors working, and can't scan for nearby energy sources."   
  
"Dabura, I don't have sensors. I don't have phasors and I DON'T have the 'Death Ray' which you keep mentioning when you think I can't hear you."   
  
The spaceship descended into the enveloping mist of shadow that seemed to grip the entire solar system that they were entering. The sun itself was wreathed in this perplexing darkness, so that no light could shine. The saucer-shaped vessel lowered into orbit around a rocky, featureless planet.   
  
"Shall I prepare an Away Team, Master Babidi?"   
  
"If you mean 'Will we land and leave to search for the fabled beast Yakon', then yes, Dabura, do so."   
  
Dabura nodded. Now he just had to figure out how to land. There were two buttons - LAND SHIP, and... FIRE DEATH RAY? His mouth widened in a maniacal grin. There really WAS a death ray! Of course, if he pressed it now, he'd destroy everything they were searching for, but a death ray was a death ray. He pressed the button.   
  
"Aargh!" screamed Pui-Pui. "I can't hear anything!! I... I can't hear anything! Help! Master Babidi! I can't hear anything!"   
  
"Dabura!" said Babidi accusingly. "You pressed the Deaf Ray button, didn't you?"   
  
"Oh, hilarious," said Dabura. "Very funny. That was the worst joke yet. Landing as requested, Master Babidi."   
  
  
The planet surface was cold. The rocks crunched beneath their boots as they tried to pierce the constant darkness with their flashlights.   
  
"Why are we using these clumsy devices? Surely you have some sort of spell that creates light?"   
  
"You know, I do have a 'Create Lots of Light To Illuminate Dark Places Spell'. Do you think it'll work?"   
  
Dabura sighed. "Yes. Yes I do."   
  
"Papparapa! Let there be light!"   
  
"That's MY line," said God. "I'll see you in court."   
  
Radiance emerged from Babidi's hands, filling the area with a dim but growing light source that began to reveal the distinctintly dull planet around them - rocks, more rocks, some more rocks, and even a very large rock that was shaped like a rock.   
  
"This isn't a very interesting place," said Pui-Pui. "Just rocks. Although some of them are kind of funny - look, that rock is shaped like Dabura's forehead! And that rock is shaped like a chair! And that rock is shaped like a gigantic killer beetle!"   
  
"Pui-Pui! Get away from that!"   
  
"It looks almost real," said Pui-Pui, touching it. "And it feels all scaly. OH GOD! IT'S LATCHED ONTO MY HEAD!"   
  
Dabura lunged forward, knocking the giant beetle away. It rolled into the shadows, vanishing from sight. There was an ominous chittering that faded until they couldn't quite pinpoint the source.   
  
"Dabura, I don't like this," said Babidi.   
  
"He's over there," said Dabura, pointing into the shadows. "I can sense his energy."   
  
"Thank goodness for all this LIGHT! If it wasn't for this light, well, I'd probably panic! I'm certainly glad it's really bright and nothing can take this light away."   
  
Deep in the shadows, Yakon leered and opened his mouth wide. As though it were glowing soup, the light in the air was literally sucked towards the beetle's mouth, disappearing into the beast's belly as it devoured every last glimmer in the area. Absolute darkness set in.   
  
Then Yakon decided to attack.   
  
The mantis-like creature sprang forward, sinewy legs propelling it at incredible speeds. It slammed into Pui-Pui and sent him flying, but the henchman managed to regain his balance and land on his feet, blindly firing a blast of energy ahead of him. Yakon swerved to one side, dodging it, and slashed at Dabura with lengthy, serrated claws.   
  
The demon king lifted his arm and blocked it. He grinned into the darkness. "I am the Demon Lord of Darkness, you fool. Do you really think that will work on me?" His fist shot forwards. In the shadows, nobody could see it sink into Yakon's armoured belly and protude from his back; spitting green bile, the insect toppled over, wheezing in agony.   
  
"I can't see what's happening," Babidi complained. "Did he get you, Dabura?"   
  
"Not exactly, Master."   
  
"Onto your feet, pathetic bug," said Dabura, stepping forwards. "From now on, you obey ME--"   
  
"--hey! You mean ME!"   
  
Dabura growled. "Yes, you obey HIM. Lord Babidi, it's time."   
  
"That's right," said Babidi, raising his hands. "There's plenty of evil in this one. Yakon, you belong to me!" 


	6. Destination Earth

There was a horrible dying scream from somewhere within the depths of the spaceship. Pui-Pui appeared, looking nervous. "Master Babidi, Yakon has eaten another henchman."   
  
"Good!" Babidi chuckled, delighted. "He's got such an appetite! Very well, Dabura, we are now ready to find a source of energy. Then, we will resurrect Majin Buu."   
  
Dabura tapped at the flight controls. "And where would you have me travel to, Master?"   
  
"Well, we have two choices. First, there is the Planet Pepertua, home of Raw Energy, where energy floats around just free for the taking! Then there's a horrible little planet called Earth where nobody of consequence lives and we'll take years to get all the energy we require."   
  
Dabura nodded. "Then it is obvious where we shall be heading."   
  
"That's right, Dabura. Set a course for Earth!"   
  
"What!?"   
  
"Hey! Do what I say!" Babidi's eyes narrowed and he concentrated his dark magic. "Feel the pain of defying your master!"   
  
Something like a small mosquito seemed to bite Dabura on the ear. "Ouch," he said dutifully. "I writhe in pain, Lord Babidi."   
  
The spaceship emerged through the dark pall surrounding Yakon's galaxy, and then whirred off at immense speeds into the universe. It skimmed past nebulous clouds of gas, and whirled around dancing stars and wayward comets, heading erratically towards its destination.   
  
Babidi decided to wait out the journey on the lowest floor, next to his cocoon. He rubbed it lovingly. "Oh, Majin Buu! You'll soon be awake, and we'll fulfil my father's destiny. The entire universe will be crushed beneath our combined powers."   
  
"Master Babidi? You called?"   
  
"Ah, Pui-Pui! When we arrive on Earth, I'd like to hide the spaceship and lay low for a few years. You see, I'm pretty sure somebody is on our trail..."   
  
  
Behind them...   
  
"Can't this ship go any faster, Kibito?"   
  
"I'm sorry, master. I am incapable of matching Babidi's speed."   
  
"Oh, gosh darn!" Kaioshin slammed his pale fist onto the controls, badly damaging the viewscreen that currently displayed Babidi's spaceship getting further and further away. "We just can't catch up to them, no matter what we do!"   
  
"Perhaps if I were to teleport us on to Babidi's spaceship with my Kai Kai ability?"   
  
"No, Kabito," said Kaioshin. "That's exactly what Babidi would be expecting."   
  
  
"But the one thing I'd never expect," Babidi told Pui-Pui, "Is for Kibito to appear with his Kai-Kai ability and bring Kaioshin with him. I don't think that would ever happen."   
  
"Fascinating," said Pui-Pui.   
  
  
"What we'll have to do is try to work out where they're going, and once there, we'll track them down. Then we'll finish off Babidi and finally the universe will be saved from Majin Buu."   
  
"Don't worry. We will surely catch him before he manages to bring Majin Buu to life."   
  
"This is what Dai Kaioshin would have wanted," said Kaioshin, tears beginning to form in his eyes. "I was left all alone, Kibito. They were my family, and sometimes I feel that just by surviving, I failed them... maybe I was meant to die, instead of Dai Kaioshin. Perhaps he would have done a better job than I did."   
  
"There, there." Kibito patted Kaioshin on the shoulder. "You're doing a good job."   
  
"Yes, but Kibito, you HAVE to say that. You're always grovelling and agreeing with everything I say."   
  
"Of course, master."   
  
Kaioshin's eyes narrowed, and he glared at the spaceship that was now only a speck in the distance. "Babidi," he muttered. "For those that your creature killed, I will be sure to find you and show you no mercy. I'll do it for all the Kaioshin, and for all the innocent people your father killed - and for all the innocent people that YOU would kill, if we gave you the chance."   
  
"Yes, master."   
  
"Oh, shut up, Kibito." 


	7. Babidi's Fears

"Alright, you three, listen to me!" Babidi was particularly agitated today, something that was proven by his constant facial twitching and the way his left eye was slightly out of focus. "We're almost at Earth, but before we get there, I'm going to finish my story. Are you listening?"   
  
Dabura and Pui-Pui nodded, while Yakon took the opportunity to take a bite out the wall.   
  
"Bad Yakon," said Babidi sternly. "That's a naughty Yakon. Now, I once had a father - Bibidi! He was the one who created Majin Buu, and the one who created me, of course. Well, I assume he did - I don't seem to remember having a mother, so it's possible he used some sort of evil magic to conjure me up."   
  
Pui-Pui yawned, and Babidi twitched violently. "Don't yawn in my presence! Now, where was I? Oh, yes, my father... poor father! You see, after sealing away Majin Buu for reasons I can't possibly imagine, he was then surprised by the Kaioshin of the East!"   
  
"Ah, the Kaioshin," said Dabura wisely. "I have heard of these foolish gods. Weaklings who pretend to control the universe!"   
  
"Well, yes," said Babidi nervously. "Weaklings! Ha! Such weaklings! Except, well, East Kaioshin killed Bibidi. But I'm sure he just surprised him, because my father was almost as powerful a magician as I was! Anyway, I don't think East Kaioshin knew about me, because he left the cocoon, where I later found it. I'm certain now that he's on my trail."   
  
"If he attempts to destroy you, Master, I will crush him." Dabura glanced around for something to demonstrate his point with. "You! Nameless henchman! Approach me now!"   
  
"Uh, yes, Majin Dabura?"   
  
Dabura picked him up easily with his left hand. "If he attempts to destroy Master, I will crush him! Like this!" There was a wet crushing sound, and Pui-Pui was violently sick all over Yakon's shoulder.   
  
Babidi blinked. "That was unnecessary, Dabura. I know what crushing means."   
  
"Unnecessary, but extremely entertaining, Lord Babidi."   
  
"ANYWAY," said Babidi impatiently, "that is why I have assembled you, the three strongest warriors in the universe! The deadly Yakon, the mythical insect-warrior who can devour light! The great Dabura, Lord and Ruler of the Demon Realm, whose spit can turn his enemies to stone! And the dreaded Pui-Pui, who can... can..."   
  
"Survive in ten times normal gravity," said Pui-Pui helpfully.   
  
Babidi sighed. "Yes, who can survive in ten times gravity. With your help, Kaioshin will be no problem. Are there any questions?"   
  
"Yes," said Pui-Pui. "Can Dabura really turn things into stone?"   
  
"Of course!" The demon king gestured towards another henchman. "Nameless henchman, I command you to--"   
  
"No! No more henchmen, Dabura!" Babidi stamped his foot. "You're just going to use them all up."   
  
"But Master Babidi, they don't do anything useful."   
  
Babidi shook his head. "Dabura, Dabura, Dabura. You don't understand how things work around here, do you? My henchman are valuable. They're important to me! I wouldn't waste them for anything."   
  
"Oh, my!" said a henchman. "I appear to have dropped my cup of delicious fruit juice and completely soaked the carpet!"   
  
"DIE!" screamed Babidi, waving his hands. The henchman exploded messily, splattering the carpet with a little more than just fruit juice. "Never soil the carpet of Babidi! Now, are there any MORE questions?"   
  
"Yes," said Pui-Pui. "Where did that carpet come from? We never used to have one before."   
  
"I put it there a few minutes ago," said Babidi. "Just after I put out all the drinks and food and that gigantic, slowly-cracking glass tank filled with acid. I can't imagine how it got ruined so quickly."   
  
"There is no time for further questions, Lord Babidi," said Dabura. "We seem to have arrived at this 'Earth'." 


	8. Spopovich and Yamu

Gohan screamed as his power erupted, all his energy tearing from him in an incredible display of power. His father's plea was still in his mind - he would not hold back!   
  
Cell screamed too, but this time in agony, as every last cell of his being was torn apart by the power of the young Saiyajin's Kamehameha. "Impossible," he rasped, feeling the very power that allowed him to regenerate being stolen from him. "This can't be happening to me!"   
  
And then it was over. Gohan's hair faded from golden to black, and he fell, hitting the ground twenty feet below him.   
  
Piccolo was the first to move, Yamcha and Krillin close behind him. Vegeta lowered his hand and used his other to wipe the blood from his face. They had gathered around Gohan, helping him to his feet.   
  
"Well," remarked Tenshinhan, "at least we're safe from evil now."   
  
  
"Have you finished burying the spaceship, Dabura?" shouted Babidi. Overhead was the sound of dirt pounding onto the spaceship's curved roof. "Make sure you get all of it!"   
  
"I don't see why this is necessary," Dabura bellowed, far on the surface. "If Kaioshin appears I can just kill him!"   
  
"I want to be certain! You, Yakon! Stop eating that henchman! Go back to your dark corner! Where's Pui-Pui?"   
  
"You sent him to find servants, Master Babidi," said a henchman nervously. "Remember?"   
  
"Of course I remember! Dabura, have you finished burying the spaceship yet?"   
  
  
Pui-Pui adjusted his false moustache and made sure his hat was covering his less than human features. He had to make sure he blended in. He nodded politely at the people who moved past him, crowding the streets of Satan City, where a giant statue had been erected to celebrate the defeat of Cell.   
  
A dog walked past, followed by a dinosaur, and then a small bee with the head of a man. "Good morning, Mr. Smith," somebody said to the bee. Somebody with three heads and twenty legs rumbled past on his way to business meeting.   
  
Suddenly everything froze, and a woman screamed. "A freak! Look at the freak!" Fingers were pointing at Pui-Pui, people were moving closer for a better look. "He's a freak!"   
  
Terrified, Pui-Pui ripped off his moustache and hat, ready for a fight. But as soon as his diguise was gone the mob relaxed. "Nah," said one. "He's just a regular human wearing a stupid disguise. Sorry about that!"   
  
Pui-Pui stared as the crowd dispersed. A planet where weird people were considered normal? Well, that made his job a little easier. If Babidi's plan failed, he could probably settle down here and have a normal life. He might even find a wife.   
  
Only a few metres away Spopovich was walking, feeling more depressed than he had in a long time. He closed his eyes, reliving the moment...   
  
"Satan! Satan! Satan!"   
  
"Don't get cocky!" said Spopovich, tossing back his hair. "You're no champ, you're a CHUMP!"   
  
Mr. Satan laughed. "You think you could last a minute against Cell, Spopovich? You're just a wimp! Heee-yah!" A knee cracked into Spopovich's skull, and then a fist landed in his back, and it was all over. Just the laughter of the crowd, and the sound of his brain slowly melting through the new gaping hole in his head. Oh, the humiliation...   
  
He bumped into somebody. Somebody tall and bony, somebody with glowing yellow eyes!   
  
"What?" said the Grim Reaper. "I'm not even in this story." He moved aside, revealing Pui-Pui. There was something about Pui-Pui that made Spopovich slow down. That, and the fact that the leg Mr. Satan had broken had decided to seize up again.   
  
Pui-Pui noticed Spopovich, too. "Hello," he said. "My name is Pui-Pui. Tell me... do you ever wish you had power? Unimaginable POWER?"   
  
Spopovich's eyes gleamed. "Power? What sort of power?"   
  
"The power to crush anybody who ever laughed at you! To take that smile and force it back in their face!"   
  
"How do you force a smile in somebody's face?"   
  
"It's a figure of speech. You look pretty beat up, don't you? What kind of sissy would get beaten up like that?"   
  
"Shut up," Spopovich growled.   
  
"I'm wasting my time. I don't want somebody who gets the stuffing pounded out of then--"   
  
"I said, shut up!" Spopovich's fist smacked into Pui-Pui's face. The Majin smiled.   
  
"You have potential. Why don't you come with me?"   
  
  
Yamu inhaled, exhaled, and focused. Then he took a swinging punch at the bag and completely failed to burst it open. He glanced down at his fists, enraged. Why couldn't he get stronger? He trained and trained! How could that fraud Satan have defeated Cell?   
  
"Well, well," said Pui-Pui, emerging from the punching bag. "You seem to be angry."   
  
"How did you get in there?"   
  
Pui-Pui tapped the M on his forehead. "I can go anywhere I want to, now that I'm Majin. I've been watching you, Yamu. You're a very angry man."   
  
"You're right about that," spat Yamu. "That bastard Satan is beating everybody in the tournaments! That title is mine! Now he even has a city named after him, a statue in his name!"   
  
"They're building statues to Satan? What kind of city is this!?"   
  
"Mr. Satan! The world champion! Where are you from that you don't know that?"   
  
"A planet with ten times gravity," said Pui-Pui proudly. "Yamu... if you come with me, you'll have the power to break Mr. Satan in half. You'll have the power to take on the world."   
  
Yamu slowly raised his head. "And if I refuse?"   
  
"Then you'll keep losing. But if you accept, then..." Pui-Pui smiled. "Mr. Satan will be more like, Mr. DEAD." Pui-Pui sighed. "Oh, God, I completely ruined the dramatic moment. That was so lame. Mr. Dead."   
  
"No, it wasn't too bad."   
  
"It was terrible! Mr. Dead? That was just... no. I can't believe I screwed that up. Look, just come with me, okay?" 


	9. Kaioshin's Plans

"It's the Great Saiyaman!"   
  
The cloaked hero swooped through the sky, grabbing the flaming bus and tossing it into the lake. "Another day saved, thanks to the Great Saiyaman!" He bowed twice then launched into the distance, leaving an impressed crowd behind him.   
  
"Amazing," said one. "He put out that burning bus!"   
  
"Uh," said somebody. "I think the people in it are drowning now. Yeah, they're drowning."   
  
"Can't they swim?"   
  
"Well, he kind of threw the bus on top of them... I think they're dead now."   
  
"Oh, well. At least they didn't die in that burning bus."   
  
"Hooray for the Great Saiyaman!"   
  
  
Gohan smiled to himself. He was soaring through the sky, just below the clouds, the green and blue Earth unrolling beneath him. The long-awaited peace was here and it looked like it would never end. All the horrors he'd lived through as a child - Piccolo's training, his friends dying at the hands of Nappa, watching Frieza's rampage, Cell, his father dying - had finally brought him to a state of calm.   
  
His house was below him. Cape fluttering in the breeze, he landed dramatically, striking a pose as he hit the ground. "I'm home!"   
  
"Gohan!" Goten came pounding out of the house, and as always Gohan was impressed by the resemblance to his long-dead father. "When are you going to teach me to do that?"   
  
"What, the pose? It's simple, you just go like this--"   
  
"Not the pose! Flying! Who'd want to do a stupid pose?"   
  
Gohan frowned. "I guess you're just too young to appreciate the power of posing, kid! Where's that mother of ours?"   
  
"Oh, somewhere," said Goten vaguely. "She got a little angry when I brought my new friend home."   
  
"Goten!"   
  
"Uhoh," said Gohan. "Hey, I think I have some homework to do. And I think I'll go and do it over there."   
  
"Gohan! Come back!" Goten glanced fearfully over his shoulder. "I can't fly! Mum will catch me!"   
  
"Son Goten, come here this minute!" Chi-Chi marched into view, a huge dinosaur draped over her shoulder. "I want you to explain why you brought this thing into our house, and I want you to explain it NOW!"   
  
Gohan laughed as he flew away. Oh, that silly Goten! He was so busy laughing he didn't notice the low-flying plane until he flew directly into it.   
  
  
"We've searched everywhere, Kibito," said Kaioshin quietly. They stood on a cliffside, high above the ground, watching the planet stretch away beneath them. "We know he's here. But where?"   
  
"He cannot hide forever, master."   
  
"But he doesn't have to, Kibito!" Kaioshin clenched his fist. "He only has to hide until he's ready to revive Maijin Buu. And then, my friend, our time is up!"   
  
"I had an idea," said Kibito. "He requires power to revive Majin Buu. He will likely attempt to gain it from a gathering of strong people, to make things more convenient for him. And the Budokai is being held a week from now... perhaps his servants will be there."   
  
"You're right, Kibito! The World Martial Arts Tournament! All those strong powers, in the one place - Babidi will jump at the opportunity!" Kaioshin smiled. "Perhaps I'll even have the opportunity to meet the great Son Goku."   
  
"The Saiyajin who defeated Frieza? Is he not dead, Master?"   
  
"Yes, but I have a feeling he will return..."   
  
Kibito screeched. "Do you mean he will return as a zombie, master!?! I shall begin to create some holy water immediately! Oh, to think that he will soon be feasting on the flesh of the innocent!"   
  
"No, Kibito! I mean that I believe Son Goku will be returning for a day, just one day. A soul does not pass from heaven to Earth without the permission of a Kaioshin. Perhaps, with the help of Goku and his friends, we will be able to defeat Babidi when he emerges. We may have a hope, Kibito!"   
  
"So... you're absolutely certain there are no zombies?"   
  
"Shut up, Kibito." 


	10. The Last Four Days

Four days until the Budokai...   
  
"Well, hi, Krillin! What are you doing here?"   
  
"Oh, you know. Shopping for food. #18 likes us to eat real food instead of foraging in rubbish bins like I used to do."   
  
Yamcha chuckled. "You sly dog! Hey... what happened to your eye?"   
  
Krillin froze. "I walked into a door."   
  
"Are you sure? That doesn't look like an accidental bruise to me."   
  
Krillin slumped against a crate of cabbages and sobbed into his hands. "Oh, Yamcha! What can I do? I feel so imprisoned!"   
  
"She's beating you, isn't she? Your wife is beating you!"   
  
Krillin wailed. "She's just so powerful! She says 'Krillin, let's spar so we can get stronger for the Budokai', and then she hits me, Yamcha! She hits me!"   
  
"Does... does Marron see any of this?"   
  
"No." Krillin wiped away a tear. "She's always asleep whenever #18 gets drunk and abusive. I... I was tempted to go sleep at Goku's place, but I can't leave the house when she's about. She's always watching."   
  
"Krillin," said Yamcha.   
  
Krillin sniffed. "Yes?"   
  
"Don't be such a pansy."   
  
"Er, yeah." Krillin glanced around, embarassed. "I mean, it's not as though I'm the only guy whose wife beats him. Hey, Vegeta."   
  
"Don't look at me," roared Vegeta, putting on sunglasses and disappearing into Frozen Foods.   
  
  
Three days until the Budokai...   
  
"Look at me, Gohan! Look at me! I'm flying!" Goten spun in the air. "Hahahaha! I can fly!"   
  
"Not now, Goten! I'm busy with Videl!"   
  
Goten frowned. "You never taught me how to do that."   
  
"Go away, Goten!"   
  
Goten circled them. "What sort of fighting technique is that?" he said curiously. "It looks like you've taught Videl how to hurt you, Gohan, the way you're moaning like that--"   
  
"GO AWAY!"   
  
Goten shrugged. "I'll fly to Trunks' house! He'll be impressed!" The little Goku-clone somersaulted in the air before heading off at an incredible speed towards Capsule Corp.   
  
"Ouch!" Gohan winced. "That one hurt."   
  
"Sorry, Gohan," said Videl, lifting the nail clippers. "But look, if you'd just hold still, cutting your toenails wouldn't hurt this much!"   
  
  
Two days until the tournament...   
  
Vegeta walked over to the Gravity Setting dial. Nine out of ten doctors recommended not training at 450 times regular gravity, citing all kinds of circulation problems, pressure on bones, stunting of regular growth, not to mention that being crushed into a small filmy puddle is bad for overall health.   
  
Vegeta, however, always listened that tenth doctor who never agreed with the others - the one that said brushing your teeth caused cancer, the one who thought that apples were made from arsenic, and the one who thought that training under 450G was actually a really good idea. He turned the dial up.   
  
It felt like an immensely fat man was jumping up and down on his shoulders, but that was okay. He began to punch at the air, sweat rolling down his body. Punch! Kick! Punch! It helped that every time he imagined he was punching or kicking Kakarotto, who was floating transparently in the air with that stupid smile of his. "Hi," said the non-existent Kakarotto who was only part of Vegeta's imagination. "I'm Goku! Yuk yuk yuk! I'm so STOOPID! But I'm so much better than you, Vegeta!"   
  
He glanced up as the door to the gravity chamber opened, and Trunks wandered in. Immediately the boy buckled as if somebody had dropped an anvil on his head, but he kept stumping around in the gravity, completely determined. Vegeta felt that disturbing feeling inside him again, the one that made him feel as if the Earth was a decent place and his family was really all that mattered and that butterflies weren't really so bad--   
  
He punched himself in the face. "Snap out of it, Vegeta!"   
  
"Huh?"   
  
"This is no place for a child! If you get crushed, your mother will never let me hear the end of it. Look at you, you can barely move."   
  
Trunks concentrated. His hair thickened and flew into the air as it was infused with the golden power of a Super Saiyajin; his aura lengthened and he began to fly around the gravity chamber as though there was no gravity at all. "I can move now!"   
  
"Ghbnh," said Vegeta. He stiffly moved over the wall and beat his head against it. When he'd killed enough brain cells to be able to confront the situation he turned to Trunks again. "How long have you been able to do that?"   
  
"Oh, a while," said Trunks, capering around the room.   
  
"Can Kakarotto's son do that too?"   
  
"Kakarotto?" Trunks hesitated. "What's a Kakarotto?"   
  
Vegeta sighed. "Kakarotto is Kakarotto's real name."   
  
"What?"   
  
"I said, Kakarotto is Kakarotto! But all his friends call him Kakarotto!" Vegeta stopped. "What? I can't say Kakarotto! I mean, Kakarotto! Aargh! I've spent so long calling him Kakarotto I'm physically incapable of using his other name!"   
  
Trunks backed away, then ran out the door screaming "Mum! Dad has gone insane!"   
  
"Okay, Vegeta, you can do this." He took it slowly. "Go.. Go... Gokakarotto. Damn it! Damn it!"   
  
  
One day until the tournament...   
  
Piccolo sat motionless in the air, hovering above the tiled floor of the Lookout.   
  
"He's been like this for days," said Mr. Popo quietly. Dende looked horrified.   
  
"What if he's dead, Mr. Popo? Huh? What if he's dead and you just left him there for days?" Dende ran towards Piccolo, tears beginning to flow from his eyes. "Piccolo! Oh, I'm sorry, Piccolo! I wasn't here soon enough!"   
  
"No, Dende, I meant he's been MEDITATING for days!"   
  
Piccolo's eyes opened. "Go away, Dende."   
  
"Uh, right. Sorry, Piccolo." Dende retreated back to Mr. Popo's side. "I guess I got a little carried away there."   
  
"Yes, you did."   
  
Dende frowned. Mr. Popo hadn't spoken for almost ten seconds now... was he? Oh no! Mr. Popo was dead! He burst into tears. "Mr. Popo!" he screamed. "Oh, Mr. Popo! I'm so sorry you had to die!"   
  
Mr. Popo scowled. "I'm not dead, Dende!"   
  
Dende sniffled. "Right. Right. Hey, Piccolo hasn't moved since we spoke to him last... are you sure he hasn't died?"   
  
"Hey, Dende." Mr. Popo picked up a stick and threw it over the Lookout. "Go fetch! Go fetch!"   
  
"I'm not stupid, Mr. Popo." 


	11. The Day of the Budokai

"Woman! Fetch me a drying cloth!"   
  
Bulma sighed. "Vegeta, we talked about this."   
  
The annoyed Saiyajin scowled at his wife. "You didn't understand. You Bulma! Me Vegeta! Give me the damn drying cloth!"   
  
"First, Vegeta, it's called a TOWEL. Second, I don't do anything unless you ask NICELY."   
  
Vegeta put on his scariest face. "Give me a TOWEL, then! Now!"   
  
"That's it! I put up with all your 'Kakarotto this' and 'Kakarotto that' and keeping in mind that Goku is, like, my BEST FRIEND, and the way you never do any work around the house AND you're a bad influence on Trunks AND the fact that you don't earn ANY money and now you're going to command to get your DRYING CLOTH! Well, here's your DRYING CLOTH!"   
  
Vegeta cowered as Bulma attacked him with the towel, the heat of madness in her eyes. His father had been the cruel and proud King of Saiyajin, and all his youth he had been underneath the malicious thumb of Lord Frieza, but neither of them faced up to his human wife Bulma. He had to something that was harder than going SSJ, harder than fighting Cell, harder than taking an energy blast in the chest; he had to apologise to his wife.   
  
"Bulma," he pleaded. "It's the day of the tournament, and I was nervous, that's all. I didn't mean it. Can I pl.. ple... can I PLEASE have a drying cloth?"   
  
"Call it a towel and it's a deal."   
  
"Hahaha! I am the Prince of all Drying Cloths once more!"   
  
"Okay, Vegeta, that's it. Now you DIE."   
  
  
"I'm so excited!" Goten playfully boxed Gohan in the face, almost breaking his nose. "Do you think I'll get to fight you, and Trunks' dad, and Trunks, and Mr. Piccolo?"   
  
"I don't see why not," said Gohan, tying his bandana. "After all, you kids are definately strong enough to hold your own against most of the adults at the Budokai! After all, I did teach you to fly myself!"   
  
"Yeah," said Goten. "That's why I was wondering... you know. Why Mr. Yamcha is flying us in his ship instead of us flying there."   
  
"Because," said Yamcha, leaning back, "I really needed an excuse to became a major character. Now check out just how fast my new plane can go! I can push it to the extremes! Go plane! GO PLANE!"   
  
"Calm down, Yamcha! You'll hurt yourself!" Roshi staggered over towards Yamcha and grabbed his shoulders.   
  
"GO PLANE! PLANE IS FAST! YAMCHA IS THE BEST! I AM IMPORTANT!"   
  
"Snap out of it, Yamcha! Snap out of it!"   
  
Yamcha's head spun as Roshi slapped his face. "I... I needed that. Thanks, Master. I don't know what came over me then. I just felt... INFERIOR."   
  
"I get that all the time," said Krillin wisely. "My advice: find a hot wife like I did. Whenever I feel unimportant, I go feel #18 instead."   
  
"I heard that." #18 smiled sweetly. "I can also make you feel several thousand different types of pain."   
  
"I think I'll keep the plane," said Yamcha.   
  
  
"Are you ready, Kibito?"   
  
"As ready as a ham, Kaioshin."   
  
Kaioshin frowned. "I don't believe that's an Earth expression, Kibito. You made that up, didn't you?"   
  
"Yes, master. Yes I did. You see, I have noticed that Earthlings tend to have all sorts of sayings that make no sense. For example, 'as mad as a hatter', or 'as tall as a tree.' I have seen several sane hatters and many small trees. I decided that they simply think of the appropriate nouns completely at random."   
  
"You're not paid to think, Kibito. In fact, you're not paid at all. Now, come on! We must hurry if we are to make it to the Budokai!"   
  
"We're already here, Master."   
  
"Ah, yes, so we are." Kaioshin gazed at the throng of people around them. "There are certainly many targets for Babidi here. We must be on watch at all times for Babidi's servants. No doubt they will be cunningly disguised. Completely indistinguishable from everyone else... just a regular fighter in every way..."   
  
  
Spopovich, steaming and sweating, grunted his way through the crowds and was confronted with a smiling man holding a pen. "You look like a fighter! Would you like to write your name down here?"   
  
Spopovich grabbed his head, bellowed and then beat his head endlessly against the man's clipboard. "His name is Spopovich," said Yamu helpfully. "Isn't that right, Spopovich?"   
  
"Sppopovvich," mumbled Spopovich. "Yeah. Spppppooopppooooviiich."   
  
"Uh... is your friend broken?"   
  
Yamu laughed. "Broken? No, he is filled with EVIL POWER! EVIL POWER BEYOND COMPARISON!"   
  
"Uh... okay, then. And your name is?"   
  
  
"They'll never let anybody know their secret," Kaioshin concluded. "The secret that they are filled with evil power, evil power beyond comparison."   
  
"That's as fascinating as a grasshopper, Master." Kibito hesitated. "Lord Kaioshin, I am wondering... why did you command that I wear this dress?"   
  
"To blend in, Kibito."   
  
"But I have not noticed many burly men wearing dresses since we entered the Budokai grounds, master. There have only been two, and I think one of them may have technically been a woman."   
  
"You have a point, Kibito. Perhaps you should replace your floral dress with the outfit of the Kaioshin, as you once wore."   
  
"Thankyou, master." Kibito concentrated his powers upon himself. "Because that dress made my hips look really big. As big as a typewriter."   
  
"Shut up, Kibito."   
  
  
Piccolo smiled as he emerged from his trance. "It's the day of the Budokai. I'm looking forward to a good fight against Gohan."   
  
"Good luck, Kami!"   
  
"Mr. Popo, I told you to stop calling me 'Kami'. I am neither Piccolo nor Kami, I am the--"   
  
"Namek who has long since forgotten his name," sighed Mr. Popo. "Yes, I know. But can I just ONCE call you Kami?"   
  
"Well... just once."   
  
"And," persisted Mr. Popo, "Can you sort of croak in an old voice, and say, 'You have done a good job sweeping the Temple today, Popo?'"   
  
"You're pushing it, Mr. Popo."   
  
"Piccolo!" Dende emerged from the shrine. "Don't get yourself killed!"   
  
"I hardly think anybody is going to be dying at the Budokai, Dende. Except possibly for that Mr. Satan, if he manages to catch Vegeta in a bad mood."   
  
  
Mr. Satan fixed his buckle into place and carefully inflated his afro to the correct size before throwing the pump away. He smiled at the mirror; the mirror smiled back. "Oh yeah! Let's DO THIS!" 


	12. Welcome Back, Son Goku

Gohan glanced around as he left the plane, Chi-Chi right behind him. "Where is he?" she said, frantic. "Where's Goku?"   
  
"I don't know," said Gohan. "But we all heard his voice from the afterlife! He'll be here, I know it!"   
  
"You know," said Krillin, "We didn't actually hear his voice. I don't remember that being mentioned at all in this fanfiction."   
  
"The author just forgot to add it. It's sort of implied," Gohan explained. They continued to move through the bustling crowds, both competitors and spectators, that filled the Budokai stadium grounds.   
  
"The Budokai is a lot bigger than it used to be," observed Krillin.   
  
"Maybe that or you're just smaller," said Yamcha, grinning. "Because, you know, you're SMALL. Haven't you ever wondered why you're so small? Whenever I see you, I think, 'Damn! Krillin is small!"   
  
Krillin yawned. "#18, Yamcha here said that he thinks you're putting on weight."   
  
"No! Krillin! Get her off me!"   
  
Krillin chuckled. "I made that mistake once," he whispered to Gohan. "I only just got to the bag of sensu beans in time."   
  
"Hey, look! It's Piccolo!"   
  
Piccolo glanced over his shoulder. "Gohan."   
  
"Have you seen my father?"   
  
"No," said Piccolo. "I haven't seen Goku anywhere." He stood silently, staring into the distance, his arms folded across his chest. His cloak wavered in the breeze. Everyone waited.   
  
"Er," said Gohan. "Want to stop looking mysterious and join us now, Piccolo?"   
  
"Wait a second." Piccolo frowned into the distance, and then turned. "Right. I'm done. Let's go find Son." Then he noticed Gohan's outfit and his face spasmed. "You're fighting like that?"   
  
"Why not?" Gohan performed a stylish pose, poised on his toes. "After all, I am the Great Saiyaman!"   
  
"I should have let Nappa kill you," Piccolo muttered.   
  
"What was that?"   
  
"Nothing."   
  
They contined on their way, passing various people who were creepily frozen in the background as Toei hadn't bothered to give them any animations, seeing as they weren't that important anyway.   
  
"He'll be here," said Gohan. "I bet he'll just step in front of us and say 'Hi, guys!"   
  
Goku stepped out in front of them. "Hi, guys!"   
  
"Yeah, just like that."   
  
The group continued to move on. Goku hesitated, and turned around. "Uh, hello?"   
  
"You know, that man looked a lot like Goten, but bigger," said Chi-Chi thoughtfully. "I once knew a guy like that."   
  
"It's me! Goku!"   
  
Gohan froze. "Hey! It's dad!"   
  
"Big hugs for Goku!" shouted somebody, and they all clustered around him, laughing and smiling and generally bringing a heartwarming tear to the eyes of all those watching, except for Vegeta, who was fighting back the urge to kill everything and everybody, and #18, who smirked and stood aside. Goku saw her and pointed a trembling finger.   
  
"Watch out! It's Android #18! She's still alive! I've got to stop her now!"   
  
"No! She's my wife, Goku!" Krillin jabbed Goku in the ribs. "Stop doing the Kamehameha RIGHT NOW."   
  
"Your... your wife?"   
  
"Yes, Goku, my wife!"   
  
"Goku your wife? I'm your wife?" Goku gasped in horror. "I must have been so drunk!"   
  
"That's the same old Goku!" said the Ox King, grinning immensely. Nobody laughed, and he sighed and disappeared into the background.   
  
"That's the same old Goku," added Gohan, and everybody burst into laughter.   
  
"This chapter sucks," said Vegeta, scowling.   
  
  
They were lead to a large courtyard where all the potential fighters stood in confused groups, waiting for an official to step from the building in front of them and explain the situation.   
  
Eventually a portly man in a robe stepped forward. "As there are too many contestants in this year's Budokai for preliminaries, we're going to allow qualification through a strength test. Each fighter must punch this machine, and those with the highest scores will enter the Budokai. Are there any questions?"   
  
"Yes," said a ninja in the front row. "I think that this test discriminates against those who have trained their speed and martial arts ability over crude brute strength, ignoring the fact that some of us are ninjas who eschew the art of a powerful blow over a subtle but crippling blow, something that cannot be properly represented on a punching machine."   
  
"You're absolutely right," said the official. "And I don't care. Now, to set the first score and to make you all feel insigificant, here is the World Champion Mr. Satan!"   
  
Mr. Satan somersaulted into the courtyard, the camera flashes rapidly flickering in a way certain to cause epileptic fits. A crowd of watchers began screaming in pure devotion and ecstasy as Mr. Satan lifted two fingers high for the crowd.   
  
"That's my dad," said Videl smugly. She elbowed a muscular man in the ribs. "That's my dad, you know." She tapped the shoulder of the woman in front of her. "Hey, that's my dad." She turned to Gohan. "Guess what? That's my dad."   
  
"What a pathetic competition!" said Mr. Satan loudly. "But I'm sure I'll get a bit of exercise from some of you! So, you want me to set a high score for you chumps to try to live up to? How about this?" He faced the machine, staring into the red circle that marked the target zone. He tensed his body, his cape hanging slack over his shoulders, sweating beading his wide forehead. His muscles poised. He stepped back slightly.   
  
"Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhh!" His fist slammed into the machine, rocking it and causing three numbers to ding into view on the digital counter. Mr. Satan smirked, raising his fists high. "Alright! I bet none of you will even come close to that!"   
  
"137 points!" said the announcer. "Mr. Satan has scored 137 points!"   
  
"My dad is the best!" Videl grinned. "Think you can beat that, Gohan?"   
  
Gohan cleared his throat. He saw Vegeta cracking his knuckles and smiling a weird, disturbing smile. He saw the regular fighters scoring less than 100 and walking away, disappointed. He saw Videl step up and hit the machine with all her strength, scoring 112 points and the cheers of the crowd. He saw #18 step towards the punching machine, a calculating expression on her face. He saw dead people, although that was just Goku wiping his nose on his sleeve.   
  
"Careful, #18, don't break it!"   
  
#18 gave him a look of disgust. "I know that." She lifted her fist. 


	13. The Punching Machine

#18 punched the machine as lightly as she could. The numbers pinged above it: 774   
  
There was silence, broken by Krillin: "You overdid it, didn't you! I told you not to overdo it!"   
  
"Well, I can't help it!"   
  
"You just have no restraint, do you? Remember when we were in bed, and you were hurting me, and you wouldn't stop because you--"   
  
"Not here, Krillin! Everybody is listening to you!"   
  
Krillin cleared his throat. "Uh, yeah. Be more careful with the machine, #18."   
  
"It looks like the machine is faulty," said the official, soothingly. "It's got some sort of malfunction that, you know, makes the numbers big. Here, I'll fiddle pointlessly with the controls, even though it looks absolutely fine to me." He stepped back and replaced the panel. "Now it's even better than new! Please try again."   
  
#18 sighed and poked it as gently as she could. 203 flickered into the digital display.   
  
"203," said the official weakly. "192... 186... 210... stupid broken machine! Do we have any more machines?"   
  
"Just this identical one over here."   
  
"Bring it out, then. Some people just don't appreciate fine machinery!"   
  
"Hey, I appreciate fine machinery," said Krillin. "Get it? Huh? Get it?"   
  
"Marriage has made you creepy, Krillin," said Goku.   
  
"No, that's just the hair."   
  
"Shut up, Gohan! My hair is the best! At least I don't dress up like a super hero and pose!"   
  
"Watch it, Krillin. You can insult my family, you can insult me, but NEVER insult the poses."   
  
"Okay," said the official, catching his breath. "I rolled out the second machine. This one is totally fine and cannot be broken at all."   
  
Vegeta stepped forward.   
  
"You know," said Gohan. "I can almost guess what's going to happen."   
  
"Me, too," Goku said, sighing.   
  
Vegeta hit the machine. It exploded, showering hot metal over the screaming crowd.   
  
"Yep. That's what I was guessing."   
  
"Really?" said Goku. "I was guessing it would turn into a magical penguin and then fly away."   
  
"How's that?" Vegeta grinned. "I may not be able to defeat major villains, but I sure taught that machine a thing or to! Ha! Death to all machines!"   
  
"Hey," said #18. "I resent that."   
  
Videl coughed. "Gohan."   
  
"Yes, Videl?"   
  
"Your friends are weird."   
  
"Yes, Videl. Yes they are."   
  
"But you know," Goku was saying, "The best part of being dead is when people walk up to you and say 'Hey, what's that thing over your head?' and I say 'Oh, it's just my HALO, because I'm DEAD.' Isn't that great?"   
  
"This is stupid," said Trunks loudly.   
  
"Yeah," echoed Goten. "It's stupid."   
  
"I can't believe it! We don't get to fight with the adults!"   
  
"Yeah," echoed Goten. "I can't believe it!"   
  
They were sitting in the back of the gymasium, where the child contestants were stretching and warming up.   
  
"I mean," said Trunks, "I was hoping we'd get to fight our dads, and your brother, and Piccolo, and even that Krillin guy! What's with his hair, anyway?"   
  
"Yeah," echoed Goten. "What's with his hair, anyway?"   
  
"Don't you even have a personality of your own, Goten?"   
  
"Yeah, Goten, don't you even have a personality of your own?"   
  
"Shut up, Goten!"   
  
"Okay," said Goten meekly, and fell into silence, swinging his feet over the edge of his chair. Trunks gave his competition another disgusted inspection. Just little kids! Here he was, a real Super Saiyajin, and he had to fight little kids. It wasn't fair.   
  
"Here I am, a fully grown adult, and I have to fight real Super Saiyajins," said Krillin miserably.   
  
"Shut up, Krillin," said #18.   
  
"Hey," said Gohan. "Do you hear that? The junior division fights are starting. If we don't hurry, we'll miss seeing Goten and Trunks."   
  
"Come on!" Videl grabbed his arm. "Let's go!"   
  
"Well, Kakarotto, it looks like it's time to see my son beat up your son."   
  
Goku smiled. "You wish! Goten is a great kid. I remember when that guy Raditz was here, and Gohan got angry and powered up and--"   
  
"Uh, Goku," said Krillin. "That was Gohan. Not Goten."   
  
"What, really? You mean... I HAVE ANOTHER SON!? Where's Gohan, then?"   
  
"I'm Gohan!"   
  
"What?" Goku stared around wildly. "I thought you were Vegeta! Then... then... WHO AM I? AM I VEGETA!?"   
  
"Kakarotto, you moron! I'm Vegeta!"   
  
"Then I must be Frieza! I'll destroy you all!"   
  
"It's okay," said Krillin smoothly. "I have his medication right here."   
  
"Come ON!" insisted Videl. "It's time for the Junior Division fights! We're going to miss it!" 


	14. Kids Say The Darndest Things

"There sure are a lot of people here," said Goten. "Are they all here to see us?"   
  
"Yes, Goten, they are."   
  
Goten laughed. "Look! There's everybody standing up there watching us!"   
  
Trunks followed Goten's pointing figure, and saw his family and friends standing in the audience waving at them. Except for Vegeta, who never waved. His dad was so cool. He never waved or showed emotion. He was so lucky to have a dad who didn't seem to care about him in the slightest!   
  
"Are you okay, Trunks? You look clinically depressed."   
  
"Don't worry, Goten, I'm just not having a good childhood. Let's get ready to fight! Remember, no Super-Saiyajin!"   
"Did you bring any food?"   
  
"No, dad, we don't have any food. We can always go buy some popcorn, though."   
  
"Yes," said Vegeta. "I am hungry. Woman, fetch me food!"   
  
Bulma's hands twitched, and Vegeta nervously added, "Not you, Bulma. I meant Gohan's girlfriend."   
  
"She's not my girlfriend! And don't talk to my girlfriend like that!"   
  
"Hey, guys, Trunks is about to fight!" Krillin hopped around, trying to get a good view. "#18, I can't see the fight! Can you hold me in the air?"   
  
#18 frowned. "The doctor never programmed me to hold my midget husband in midair."   
  
"Oh, come on! I want to see!"   
  
"Fine! But you're washing the dishes!"   
  
Goku laughed. "The joys of marriage! I'm so glad I never got married!"   
  
"What was that!?"   
  
"Chi-Chi! I'd forgotten all about you! Er, I mean... er... help! Help! Piccolo! Vegeta! Help!"   
"You don't look very tough, kid." The burly twelve-year old loomed over Trunks, cracking his knuckles. "Did you bring enough Barney the Dinosaur bandaids to cover your wounds?"   
  
"You talk too much."   
  
"What's that? Did you just insult me? Me? I'm twelve years old! I wear adult trousers and actually understand what's in the newspaper! You can't talk to me like that!"   
  
Bored, Trunks slapped the teenager out of the ring and into the concrete wall that bordered it. The crowd, momentarily stunned, broke into cheers.   
  
"What a hit by young Trunks Brief!" The announcer was practically epileptic at this point with excitement. "Maybe Mr. Satan will find some competition in the Junior Division after all!"   
  
"Bghgh," said Mr. Satan, standing in the shadows of the dojo watching the fight. "Mffhgh."   
  
"What's that, sir?"   
  
"Dgsfh."   
  
"And the next fight is young Son Goten versus this nameless kid twice his size!"   
  
"Are you very strong?" said Goten curiously.   
  
The bigger kid frowned. "I didn't think I'd have to be fighting toddlers. You can just give up now, if you want to."   
  
"Oh! So you must be super strong! I'll let you hit me first!"   
  
"Fine, kid, if that's how you want it." The boy aimed a left hook at Goten's face, and found it blocked by the young Saiyajin's fingertip. "Huh?"   
  
"This isn't any fun," Goten complained, pushing the other kid with enough force to send him rolling from the ring and thudding into the grass. "Trunks was right!"   
  
"And... another victory for Son Goten!"   
  
"Another victory for young Trunks!"   
  
"Goten wins again!"   
  
"And the winner is Trunks!"   
  
"The winner - Goten!"   
  
"They're doing well," said Goku. "It's amazing how strong they are for their age."   
  
"Well, that little Kakarotto might not be too bad, but my Trunks is clearly superior."   
  
"I've heard that one before, Vegeta."   
  
"It's time for the final fight - Trunks vs Goten! This should be an incredible battle! An amazing battle! A super battle! And the winner of the Junior Division will, of course, have a battle against World Champion Mr. Satan!"   
  
"Oh, no," said Krillin. "They'll kill him."   
  
"What? No, I'm sure my dad will be gentle," Videl replied.   
  
They exchanged glances. Videl noticed. "Stop exchanging glances! I know you're all jealous of my father, but that doesn't mean you have to be so rude about it!"   
  
"Sorry, Videl," mumbled Gohan. 


	15. Goten vs Trunks

"Are you ready, Goten?"   
  
Goten smiled. "I'm ready! Don't hold back, Trunks!"   
  
And so the fight started. The crowd watched on, awed, as Trunks and Goten battled at incredible speed, punches and kicks flying too fast to be properly seen; and just when it seemed that things couldn't get any more incredible, the two boys took to the air, and began fighting high above the ring.   
  
"Wow," said the announcer.   
  
"I am so dead," said Mr. Satan.   
  
"You're doing good, Trunks!" Goten ducked and punched, hitting his friend in the chest and sending him flying. "But you're not as good as me!"   
  
"You think so, Goten?" Trunks sprung forward, kicking Goten in the face. "You didn't see that one coming!"   
  
"Look at them go!" Krillin cheered. "They're great for their age!"   
  
"Yeah," said Videl, staring. "They sure are."   
  
"Hey, Goten," said Trunks. "What's one plus two?"   
  
"Uh... it's... hey! No fair! You caught me!"   
  
Trunks had Goten in an unbreakable lock, and now the younger boy wriggled frantically, trying to get free. "How are you going to get out of this one, Goten?"   
  
"Yes!" roared Vegeta, leaping to his feet. "Now finish him, Trunks! Kill him! Use the Final Flash!"   
  
"Vegeta!"   
  
"Uh... I got carried away," said Vegeta sheepishly, returning to his seat.   
  
"No dessert for you!"   
  
"Bulma! That's not fair!"   
  
Goten only had one way out, and so he used it. An incredible golden aura erupted from his body, and the force of his new power sent Trunks flying back, giving him the opportunity to spring away. As soon as he was free, he let the power of the Super Saiyajin leave him, returning his hair to normal.   
  
#18 glanced at her husband. "Krillin, stop beating your head against the floor."   
  
"But it's not fair," moaned Krillin. "It's as though everybody can transform into something except for me."   
  
"You cheated, Goten!"   
  
Goten considered this, and giggled. "Yes. I did!"   
  
"I'm going to get you for that!" Trunks attacked, and the battle raged on. Trunks slammed Goten into the ring, but he sprang back to his feet and, without warning, put his hands together: "Kamekameha!"   
  
"Whoa!" Trunks rolled to one side, and the blast slammed into the ornate masonry next to the crowd. The people nearby screamed and ducked into their seats. "You almost hit me!"   
  
"Not just almost," said Goten, behind him with his fist in the air. "I did!"   
  
"Ouch! That was cheap!" Trunks somersaulted over the ring, forced himself backwards and rammed into Goten's chest. "But I got you that time!"   
  
Without warning, Goten leapt high into the air. "I'm coming to get you, Trunks!" At incredible speed, the boy headed towards Trunks, who froze as he realised he wasn't fast enough to get out of the way. He was going to be knocked out of the ring!   
  
Then he shrugged, and his hair turned golden, lifting away from his forehead. Goten's eyes widened as Trunks moved with incredible speed, and with a forceful punch sent Goten flying out of the ring. Goten tried to slow himself, but when his feet touched the wall, he knew it was over.   
  
"You cheated, Trunks!"   
  
"So did you!"   
  
"I hate you!"   
  
"C'mon, Goten. Don't be angry with me. I'll give you some of my toys, okay?"   
  
Goten brightened. "Really? Okay!"   
  
"And the winner is Trunks!" The announcer had finally found his voice. "Let's hear it for these incredible children!"   
  
Bulma smiled. "I knew Trunks would win."   
  
"Trunks cheated," muttered Chi-Chi.   
  
Goku smiled. "They remind me of us, Vegeta. Arguing, shouting, and breaking their own rules, just like we do!"   
  
"I don't cheat, Kakarotto! You do! I hate you!"   
  
"Come on, Vegeta, don't be angry with me. I'll give you some of my toys, okay?"   
  
"Oh, shut up, Kakarotto! You're just jealous that your son wasn't as good as mine!"   
  
"They're both very talented," said Piccolo. "They take after their fathers."   
  
Goku and Vegeta nodded. "That's right," said Vegeta, satisfied.   
  
"Good one, Piccolo," whispered Krillin.   
  
"The arguing was making my ears hurt," Piccolo muttered. "And I have a lot of ear to hurt."   
  
"Now, Trunks, how do you feel about fighting Mr. Satan, the World Number One? A little scared?"   
  
"No," said Trunks. "Where is he?"   
  
Mr. Satan was clinging to the concrete steps as the official tried to prod him out. "Don't make me go out there!"   
  
"Come on, sir, you're scheduled to fight the winner."   
  
"He'll kill me," babbled Mr. Satan. "They're the ones who fought Cell! And they've come for their revenge!"   
  
"Oh, come on sir, it won't be that bad."   
Mr. Satan sat in his quarters, a massive bandage wrapped around his face. "What did I do to deserve this?" he said to the mirror.   
  
"Well," said his reflection, "You did lie to the entire world and benefit from the hard work of others."   
  
"Apart from that!" Mr. Satan walked to the window, where the qualified fighters were gathering. "How am I going to keep my belt this time? They're all here! They came back to get me!"   
Vegeta smirked as they entered the final courtyard, where the tournament positions were being decided. "Everybody else here is a weakling, don't you agree?"   
  
"I don't know," said Goku thoughtfully. "That guy with the black hair looks pretty strong."   
  
"That's Gohan, you idiot."   
  
"Oh! Oh yeah! So it is!"   
  
"I suppose you know who I want to fight first!"   
  
Goku laughed. "Of course I do, Vegeta! You want to fight Piccolo."   
  
"No, Kakarotto! I want to fight you!"   
  
"Really?" Goku blinked. "I had no idea. Why is that?"   
  
"Okay, folks!" The announcer smiled at them all, light reflecting off his sunglasses. "I'm the announcer. You may notice by my dyed hair and overly loud voice that I'm suffering a mid-life crisis. My wife left me and I'm having impotency problems. Now that we have that out of the way, let's get down to business! We're going to choose tournament positions using the Random Ball system."   
  
The last finalist staggered into the courtyard, moving in a double-jointed way. He was dressed in a long cloth robe with a dark purple hood, and for some reason a second voice seemed to be emerging from his groin.   
  
"Who's that freak?" said #18. "He doesn't look like a fighter."   
  
Inside the robe, Goten stomped his foot impatiently. "Why can't I be on top, Trunks? I want to be on top!"   
  
"You wouldn't know what to say, Goten! Now be quiet! If we do this right, we'll get to fight in the adult tournament too!" 


	16. Chapter 16 Has No Name

"Operation Spopovich and Yamu is underway," said Pui-Pui. "I sent them off to that Tenkaichi Budokai thing, with that great big power absorbing whatsit, so they can absorb the powery stuff for that big Buu thing."   
  
"You are a very well-informed individual," said Babidi. "Now all we have to do is wait for their return, with delicious power for my Majin Buu!"   
  
"I have finished all the party decorations just as you ordered," said Dabura, moving into the room. "Is this festive enough? I have draped the banner reading 'Welcome Back, Majin Buu' across the ceiling, put the frosting on the decorative cake, hired the dancing girls, and bought seven thousand tonnes of snacks."   
  
"Dabura! You forgot the most important part!"   
  
Dabura sighed. "I'm sure I did."   
  
"Yes, you did! You forgot the hats! The little pointy hats! What will Buu think if he sees us without those pointy hats? Go get my hats! Yakon, have you got the music worked out yet?"   
  
Yakon coughed, spitting up what looked like a trombone.   
  
"You ate the band, didn't you?"   
  
Yakon shrugged, and a drum kit slid out of his ear.   
  
"And you... put them in your ear? I don't even want to know what that was about. Go get me another band!"   
  
"Hey, at this rate we'll be BANNED from getting BANDS," said Pui-Pui. "I am sooo funny!"   
  
--------   
  
"Whoa," said Trunks. "Who's that guy?"   
  
"Which one?"   
  
"The weird one!"   
  
Goten stared at the midget with the pyramid-shaped hair, the green man with giant ears, the huge sweating bald man with muscles larger than his brain, the tall spiky-haired man with a golden ring over his head, the knee-high midget, the giant pink man with the long white hair, the small purple man with the mohawk and Gohan dancing around the courtyard doing his favourite Saiyaman poses. "I don't see any weird people."   
  
"The big guy! With the M on his head!"   
  
"Oh, that guy. Yes, he's pretty weird."   
  
Spopovich snorted as he dragged his way around the courtyard. "Settle down, Spopovich," said Yamu.   
  
"Spopovich... must... eat... brains!"   
  
"You're a Majin, Spopovich, not a zombie."   
  
--------   
  
"Are you absolutely CERTAIN there are no zombies?" hissed Kibito.   
  
"I told you before, Kibito, there are no zombies! Son Goku is not a zombie! And now it's time to go greet him."   
  
"I wonder where the Majins are? You'd think they'd have some sort of obvious sign, like a big black M on their forehead, like those two men over there have. Babidi clearly expected us to look for such things!"   
  
Goku tensed. "Watch out. That little guy is coming our way, and I sense a strange power from him."   
  
"Yes," said Piccolo. "A strange ki. A mysterious energy." He folded his arms. "An enigmatic source of power that I cannot determine. An obscure signal of chi--"   
  
"Quit trying to be so mysterious, Piccolo, and pay attention to the little guy. He's almost here."   
  
"Hello, Goku," said Kaioshin, his eyes smiling. "I am pleased to meet you. I've heard so much about you."   
  
Goku gave him a suspicious glance. "How do you know my name?"   
  
"You're very famous, Goku."   
  
"Oh, yeah? If that's true, then why are you so small? Ha! Got you there, Mr. Man - or should I say, PERFECT CELL!?"   
  
"You have mistaken us for somebody else," said Kibito. "My name is Kibito, and this here is my good friend Shin, who is not at all the Supreme Kai."   
  
"It's Cell," said Goku. "He's disguised himself as two completely different people. I knew he'd try this trick."   
  
"It's not Cell, Goku!" Piccolo slapped him on the back of the head, knocking him forward. "Why are you so stupid today?"   
  
"I'll look forward to fighting you, Goku." Supreme Kai nodded at the others. "As I will all of you. Come, Kibito, let us not do things that the Supreme Kai and his servant would do, for we are not them."   
  
"Of course, Master, who is not my master."   
  
"You know, I think they're up to something," said Vegeta.   
  
"I trust them," said Goku. "I somehow get the feeling they're good guys. Except for the tall one, he's Perfect Cell in disguise."   
  
"Okay, folks! Enough mingling!" The announcer tapped a board in front of him. "It's time to take your ball from this box. The number will determine who you're fighting first. Are you ready?"   
  
Krillin closed his eyes, dropped to his knees, and prayed. "God, I haven't asked for much, but I'll ask you now - please don't make me fight Goku, Piccolo, Gohan or any of the others who can break me in half. Amen."   
  
"I'll see what I can do," replied Kaioshin.   
  
"What?"   
  
"Er, nothing. I am Shin, a humble seller of leather jackets."   
  
"Okay! First contestant, step forward!" 


	17. These Fighters Have Balls

"Okay," said the announcer, gesturing at his whiteboard and his bucket. "I'm going to call your name and assign you a number. Then we'll use this determine who fights who. Is that okay? Let's get started. 'Killer', you're up first."   
  
The big black man stepped forward and put his hand in the box, and withdraw a small ball. He checked the number and showed it to the announcer.   
  
"Killer is Number 14!"   
  
Killer frowned. "It's just a shame that I'm just a minor non-ki using martial artist who only exists to get beaten in the World Tournament."   
  
"Hey, well," the announcer shrugged. "That's life. Now, next is Kibito."   
  
The burly sidekick took his ball from the box, gazed at the number, and his eyes tore into an expression of pure, cold terror. The announcer pryed the ball from his frozen fingers.   
  
"Kibito, you're Number 7."   
  
Dashing back to Kaioshin's side, Kibito whispered, "Does this mean he is the Majin, Lord Kaioshin?"   
  
"What?"   
  
"When I was a child," Kibito hissed, "I was always terrified of the number 7. It was my worst fear. Only a Majin could know this!"   
  
"I think it was just coincidence, Kabito, he had no way of knowing... what, you were afraid of the number seven? Seven of something in particular?"   
  
"No, just seven. Specifically the number itself. With the long flat bit, and the sharp diagonal bit..." Kabito shuddered. "Please, don't make me go into detail."   
  
"Krillin, you're up! And... the ball is 1."   
  
"I admit it, Krillin! You are Number One!" said Vegeta, and then hesitated. "Wait. This is the wrong time to say that."   
  
"Number one," said Krillin, depressed, dropping the ball. "That means I fight first."   
  
"Great Saiyaman! Come take your ball please! I see, you're Number 8."   
  
Gohan glanced at the board as the officials marked the placings. He was up against Kibito.   
  
"Watch out," said Goku quietly. "That one isn't normal. Plus, he's Cell."   
  
Kaioshin smiled up at Kibito. "It seems that we are fortunate, Kibito. This will make things very simple for us."   
  
"Unless..." said Kibito thoughtfully. "Unless HE is the Majin."   
  
"Shut up, Kibito."   
  
"Now, next is... Number 18? What sort of name is that?"   
  
"It's my name," said #18. "Give me that ball. It's Number 9."   
  
"No, really. What sort of name is 'Number #18?'"   
  
"What's YOUR name?"   
  
The announcer hesitated, and then scrunched his brain in concentration. "I... I don't think I have one."   
  
"Exactly."   
  
Worried, the announcer rubbed his face and checked his clipboard. "Okay, next is Shin. Take your ball, please. Yes, you're Number 3."   
  
Goku glanced at Kaoishin. Who was this mysterious fellow? Why was his ki so mysterious? When was he going to get to eat? Just why DID they create the Nazca Lines?   
  
"Next is Spopovich!"   
  
There was silence. "Spopovich? Are you here?"   
  
"That must be us!" Trunks declared, shambling forwards, dragging Goten beneath me. "Here I come, the Great Spopovitch! For I am Spopovitch, a legal adult who is participating in the adult section of the tournament, like an adult. Spopovitch, that's my name."   
  
A giant fist slammed into him and held him back. Spopovitch snarled.   
  
"Ohhhh," said Trunks. "Did you say 'Spopovitch?' I thought you said... uh... I thought you said, 'You guy over there, the handsome ADULT in the ADULT clothes who isn't Spopovitch.' Silly me."   
  
"You were wrong, Trunks," grumbled Goten.   
  
"Hey, you didn't try to stop me!"   
  
"Wow," said the announcer, handing Spopovitch the box. "You sure have changed since last time. Is that a new cologne you're wearing?"   
  
Spopovitch slammed his fist into the box and squeezed it out, clutching the tiny ball. "That's Number 6! Okay, next up is Jewel!"   
  
Jewel, a willowy man with long blonde hair, stepped forward. "You realise you're just here to fill up the excess gaps in the tournament for people who don't count to the plot, right, Jewel?"   
  
"Yes. Yes I do."   
  
"Just so we have that out of the way. Jewel is Number 16!"   
  
"Okay, next is Son Goku!"   
  
"Yes!" screamed Goku. "My turn!" He raced to the box, hopping eagerly from foot to foot. "Okay! I got the ball! Is this my opponent? Let's fight, ball! DIE! DIE! Take that! Oh, you're good, ball, but are you good enough? I got him! I GOT HIM! Do I go to the next round?"   
  
Vegeta slapped his forehead with his hand. "Oh, Kakarotto, you never change."   
  
"And YOU never change," snarled Piccolo. "That was MY forehead."   
  
"And he used my hand," Gohan complained.   
  
"No, Goku," said the announcer patiently. "The ball merely gives you a number we'll use to match you to a real person. Now, your ball number is... er... 11, I think. You bent the ball a little."   
  
"Oh," said Goku sadly. "I thought it was a famous martial artist disguising himself as a ball."   
  
"Miss Videl! You're up next!"   
  
The crowd cheered for the daughter of Mr. Satan, although some of them only cheered because she was hot.   
  
"That's me!" Videl reached in. "I'm Number 5!"   
  
"Is she really Mr. Satan's daughter, Gohan?" said Goku, curious. "She doesn't look like him."   
  
"Yes, she's a lot cuter than Mr. Satan," said Krillin.   
  
"As usual, Krillin, you're wrong!" said Vegeta. They stared at him. "What? I was just disagreeing with you all because I do that! I didn't even hear what he said! What did I say?"   
  
"Er, as I was saying," said Krillin cautiously, "You're really in there, Gohan. Good for you."   
  
"What? She's not my girlfriend! She's just my friend who happens to be a girl!"   
  
"Next up is Punta!" The large Indian man with a stomach the size of a small hill wobbled up and grabbed his ball. "Okay, you're number two, you crazy racial stereotype-you. Vegeta, you're next."   
  
"My turn!" Vegeta pushed his way forward. "Yes! Yes! Look! Kakarotto! Haha! LOOK AT MY NUMBER?! What do you see, hmm? What do you see!?"   
  
Goku frowned. "I don't know. It's hard to tell."   
  
Piccolo sighed. "Goku, he has Number 12."   
  
"Oh," said Goku, realisation dawning.   
  
"And you're Number 11 on the board," said Piccolo helpfully, pointing at the board that had Number 11 and Number 12 connected. "And you know what that means."   
  
"No," said Goku.   
  
"You idiot, Kakarotto! It means that my number is higher than yours! I finally surpassed you, Kakarotto! I finally surpassed you!"   
  
"What? Vegeta, don't you realise you're fighting Goku in the first round?"   
  
Vegeta blinked. "I am? Hey, you're right! That's EVEN BETTER!"   
  
Piccolo sighed. "I'm ready to just hit myself in the stomach, spit out an egg and go live in seclusion somewhere."   
  
"Now for Mighty Mask," said the announcer. "God, this chapter is getting long. Mighty Mask, please step forward."   
  
"That's us!" said Goten, taking careful steps forward. Trunks waved his arms in an approximation of somebody moving.   
  
"It is I, Mighty Mask! Let's see, what ball do you have for my ADULT self? It's Number 13!"   
  
"You look a little different too, Mighty Mask," said the announcer. "Were you always so... tall?"   
  
"I grew," said Mighty Mask sternly. "Because I am an adult, and we grow."   
  
"Okay, then. Ma Junior, please step forward."   
  
"Ma Junior?" Goku ducked into a fighting pose. "He's back! Ma Junior is back! And he's going to kill us all! Stand behind me, everyone, I'll destroy him with my Kamehameha!"   
  
"Goku!" snapped Piccolo. "I already explained my secret identity thing to you! It's me, Piccolo!"   
  
Goku smiled. "Just testing, Piccolo."   
  
Piccolo relaxed. "Maybe you're not as dumb as I thought you wer--"   
  
"KAMEHAMEHA!!!" Goku punched the air. "Yes! I distracted him with conversation and blasted off his arm!"   
  
Piccolo regenerated it with a squelching sound. "Goku."   
  
"Yes, Piccolo?"   
  
"There's a sandwich in that wall. Go dig it out with your forehead."   
  
"You bet," said Goku, his eyes gleaming. Piccolo reached for the ball. "I'm Number 4."   
  
Shin and Piccolo exchanged meaningful glances. I'll have to fight him first, thought Piccolo. He's got a ki like I've never sensed before. Something tells me this one is different.   
  
I hope my mohawk is looking good, thought Kaioshin. It takes a lot to keep it how it is. It's been a while since I had lunch, I wonder if I can get something to eat before we fight?   
  
"Okay, I'll be drawing Mr. Satan's ball for him, as he couldn't make it to this little session of ours. He's Number 10. And that leaves Yam, who is number 15. Okay, the numbers are drawn! The Tenkiachi Budokai can begin!" 


	18. The Mysterious Shin

"You know what this spaceship needs?"   
  
"No," said Dabura.   
  
"Well, I'll tell you!" said Pui-Pui enthusiastically. "You know how we have that big clanky metal thing in the ship, taking up all that space?"   
  
"The engine?"   
  
"Yeah, that. We should take it out and replace it with a giant theme park. We could call it Pui-Pui Land. It'd be under ten times gravity, of course."   
  
"Pui-Pui?"   
  
"Yes, Dabura?"   
  
"If I killed you, Master Babidi would get angry at me, and he'd probably give me a mild headache. I don't like having headaches, so let's just pretend that I killed you, and that it hurt. It hurt a lot."   
  
"Yes," said Pui-Pui meekly. "Okay."   
  
---   
  
Krillin was ready. Stepping onto the ring, he walked into the cheering and adulation of the crowd. Is adulation even a word? I remember reading it somewhere. As he stepped into the centre of the ring, his opponent waddled before him. This large, vaguely Arabic fellow had a portly belly and a ridiculous accent, suggesting that his only real goal in life was to be minor comedic relief. To prove this, the fat man fell over and bounced hilariously.   
  
"Is daddy going to be okay?" said the yellow-haired creature clinging to #18's sleeves. They were seated in the stands, high above the ring. Yamcha smiled.   
  
"Well, yeah! He's one of the strongest guys in the world!" Strongest human, that is, he thought to himself. Somewhere in the mountains, Tenshinhan screamed and tried to psychically strangle Yamcha with his thoughts.   
  
Krillin raised his fist. "Are you sure you want me to hit you?"   
  
"You can't hurt me," said the cocky fighter. "I'm big and fat and hilariously funny. Look at my chins wobble! Ho ho ho!"   
  
"Okay! Here it comes!" Krillin's fist gracefully smacked into the fighter's stomach with the elegant grace of cement slapping into a wet balloon. The big man crumpled into a small ball and stayed there.   
  
As Krillin walked out, hearing the cheers of the crowd, he wiped a tear from his eye. It had been so long since he'd actually got to win a fight without running away. It made him proud. All he wanted to do now was get #18 home and show her how proud he was.   
  
By cooking her dinner.   
  
This is a G-Rated story, after all.   
  
----   
  
"You're up next, Piccolo," said Goku cheerfully. "Think you can handle that little guy?"   
  
"Yeah." But Piccolo seemed nervous. "Goku, don't you think his ki is very strange?"   
  
Goku nodded and lowered his voice. "But not as strange as Vegeta's," he hissed. "I'm getting some seriously strange ki from Vegeta. And he's just standing over there, staring at us. See his blank expression? His cold, cold eyes? I don't trust him."   
  
"Goku, that's not Vegeta. That's the wall."   
  
"What?! Oh! Silly me! Yeah, that would explain it."   
  
"Although Vegeta is standing over there staring at us with cold, blank eyes," added Piccolo.   
  
"Don't look at me!" snapped Vegeta. "I'm planning my amazing victory over Kakarotto!"   
  
Goku smiled. "Oh, that's so nice of you Vegeta! I'm always in your thoughts!"   
  
"Must... kill.... Kakarotto!"   
  
"Hold him back," said Piccolo to Gohan, and they grabbed his shoulders. "Don't kill him, Vegeta! Think happy thoughts!"   
  
"Okay, Ma Junior and Shin, please come to the ring!" Piccolo loosened his turban as the voice finished ringing through the speakers, then moved towards the archway. The announcer chuckled. "Don't destroy the ring this time!" Piccolo nodded, and kept walking. Shin stepped beside him, smiling mysteriously.   
  
"What are you looking so mysterious about?" wondered Piccolo.   
  
"Oh, I'm always like this," said Kaioshin. They took their places on the ring. Kaioshin smiled mysteriously.   
  
"Would you quit being so mysterious? I'm supposed to be the mysterious one!"   
  
Kaioshin smiled mysteriously again, proving that the adjective 'mysteriously' should not be used more than once in any fan fiction. Piccolo stared at him. How could he handle somebody this mysterious? Somebody more mysterious than himself? Could he be the most mysterious being... in all the heavens?   
  
The announcer cleared his throught. "Ma Junior? Shin? We need a fight here..."   
  
Piccolo shook his head. "I forfeit the match." 


	19. Piccolo vs Kaioshin

"This isn't fair," Pui-Pui muttered. "Master Babidi is cheating."   
  
"Don't accuse our master of cheating," Dabura hissed. "He would never cheat!"   
  
"Oh, Dabura! Looks like you just landed on Mayfair again! How inconvenient for you that every square on the board is Mayfair and belonging to me!"   
  
"Damn it! You're cheating!" Dabura slammed his fist onto the Monpoly board. "You transformed every square into that accursed Mayfair with two hotels!"   
  
"That's not true!" Babidi pointed. "The Chance card square is still there."   
  
"Yes, and all the Chance Cards read 'Go Directly To Mayfair!' This is just like that game of poker last night where you had five aces! I say we play Hungry Hungry Hippo."   
  
"Yakon ate the hippoes," said Pui-Pui.   
  
"What about Chess?"   
  
"Yakon ate the chess pieces."   
  
"Well... why don't we gather the henchman and play a rousing game of Hide and Go Seek?"   
  
"Yakon ate the henchmen."   
  
"I'm bored of this game," declared Babidi. "Who wants to check in the crystal ball and see how Spopovich and Yamu are doing, hmm?"   
  
---   
  
Spopovich stared at the brick wall.   
  
"Spopovich! Shouldn't you be concentrating on our tasks?"   
  
Spopovich's eyes twitched. Yamu frowned. "I realise the evil power of the Majin flows through your veins, Spopovich. That doesn't mean you have to be incredibly stupid."   
  
Spopovich picked up the heavy Majin Needle and began to chew on the edges. "No, Spopovich! That's not food! That is the device with which we drain power for Majin Buu! That's a bad Spopovich! Bad!"   
  
---   
  
"Well, they're doing well," said Dabura dryly. "Lord Babidi, remind me again why you didn't simply send me out to stab people until we had enough energy for Buu?"   
  
"Because then we wouldn't get to destroy Spopovich and Yamu afterwards and laugh evilly about it, of course!"   
  
"This is a waste of time, Lord Babidi. There is nobody on this planet with a power approaching mine--"   
  
"--or mine," said Pui-Pui. "'Cos I'm the Pui-Pui!"   
  
"Quite. We should simply do as I have done to so many other planets that stood in our path - annihilated them!"   
  
"Not so hasty, Dabura! What if it turned out that this planet was home to super powerful fighters, who might provide enough energy to revive Majin Buu?"   
  
"Ha!" Pui-Pui laughed. "I'll bet my Get Out Of Jail Free Card that there's nobody on this planet with a power level over 100 kilis!"   
  
---   
  
Piccolo stepped out of the ring.   
  
"Piccolo," said Gohan, his eyes filling with tears. "Did you really give up the fight?"   
  
"Yes, Gohan--"   
  
"But you'd never surrender! Not Piccolo!"   
  
"He was mysterious!"   
  
"But you're the most mysterious guy I know, Piccolo! If you were to surrender, well, something inside of me would break... I'd lose a role model! Somebody to look up to!" Gohan sighed. "Well, I suppose I could always take Vegeta as a mentor instead--"   
  
"Is it too late to change my mind?" said Piccolo to the announcer. "Because I'm going back in."   
  
"Ah, Piccolo," said Kaioshin mysteriously. "It seems you have decided to fight me after all."   
  
"I couldn't let Gohan down. He believes in me, you know. Just like Trunks believes in Vegeta, and Goku believes your henchman is Perfect Cell."   
  
"So," said Goku knowingly. "Absorbed anybody today?"   
  
"What?" said Kibito.   
  
"Nothing," said Goku, his face sly. "So... want me to get you something to eat? Anything to drink? Maybe an android or two?"   
  
"What are you talking about?"   
  
"And so I must fight you," Piccolo concluded. "For Gohan!"   
  
Kaioshin wiped away a tear. "That was very touching. Very well, we shall do battle!"   
  
"Ladies and gentlemen! The fight is now underway!"   
  
"Ooo!" said Goku. "Let's see how Piccolo does after seven years of intense meditation!"   
  
"He might be a pathetic Namek, Kakarotto, but even you should realise that little blue midget doesn't know he's fighting one of the Earth's strongest warriors. This won't last longer than a second!"   
  
Kaioshin lifted his hands. "Are you ready?" He darted forwards, and suddenly his hands and feet became a stunning blur of supersonic speed. Piccolo was buffeted backwards by the force of his blows, before he regained his composure and started deflecting the blows with his palms.   
  
Crouching to regain his balance, Piccolo lunged forward, hitting Kaioshin with his shoulder. Knocked off balance, Kaioshin was open to attack, and Piccolo pressed his advantage with a mighty kick to the solar plexus.   
  
"Impressive," remarked Kaioshin, regaining his composure and landing a punch to Piccolo's face. He ducked beneath a second kick and returned fire with a kick of his own - Piccolo grabbed his leg and swung the small man into the air, then took flight to pursue him. The crowd gasped.   
  
"I could do that," sulked Vegeta.   
  
As Piccolo prepared to hammer his opponent back down to the Earth, Kaioshin's image blurred and the Namek swung at empty air. His eyes widened for a moment and then a foot slammed into his back, sending him hurtling into the ring and creating a cloud of dust.   
  
"Oh no! A cloud of dust!" Goku bit his fingers nervously. "I hate the tension of those things! Is he still alive!? Or is he not alive!?"   
  
The dust cleared, revealing Piccolo standing in a small crater, his gaze set on Kaioshin. "You're not from this Earth," he said.   
  
"No," said Kaioshin. "I must say, I am amazed to find anyone who can stand against me in battle. If my needs were not so pressing, I would like to extend our fight. But I must end it now."   
  
Piccolo smirked. "You really think I'm going to let you off this easily?"   
  
"You don't have much choice," said Kaioshin, descending to the ring. He extended his hands in front of his body. Piccolo stepped backwards, braced himself, and then Kaioshin let a blast of invisible ki erupt from his palms, slamming the startled Piccolo from his feet and sending him flying out of the ring.   
  
"A cheap shot!" said Gohan angrily.   
  
"Want me to hit him with a Kamehameha, Gohan?"   
  
"No, dad!"   
  
"You sure?"   
  
"I'm sure!"   
  
Goku waited. "Really sure? Because I could!"   
  
"You're not going to hit anybody with a Kamehameha!"   
  
Piccolo pulled himself to his feet, feeling the grass under his hands. The grass of DEFEAT. "Curse you, grass of defeat! Curse you!"   
  
"Interesting," said Vegeta. "He seems small, yet he fights with the strength of somebody much larger."   
  
An official reached over and patted Vegeta on the head. "What are you doing here, little guy? Shouldn't you be in the audience with your mummy and daddy?"   
  
"Damnit! I am not short! I am merely slouching in a prideful Saiyajin way!"   
  
"Well," said Kaioshin, leaving the ring, "I thank you for the battle." As he left, Spopovich half rose from his position, and their eyes briefly meet. A nifty blue filter rose between them, and Kaioshin's eyes widened. The mark of the Majin!   
  
---   
  
"Yakon!" Babidi sighed. "Forget it. We'll never get it out now."   
  
"I can't believe he ate your crystal ball," complained Pui-Pui. "What if, for example, the Kaioshin was here to kill you and the crystal ball would have revealed him through Spopovich's eyes, complete with a nifty blue filter?"   
  
"I doubt it," said Dabura. 


	20. PuiPui's Training

"And for the next fight," said the announcer, leaping onto the ring, "We have the daughter of that famous, beloved champion of the people - Mr. Satan! Would you cheer loudly and incomprehensibly with me as we greet Videl to the ring!"   
  
Gohan sighed dreamily.   
  
"Hey, Goku," said Krillin, wandering over. "I got you a hotdog, are you hungry?"   
  
Goku sighed dreamily, and then bit Krillin's hand. The ensuing panic was broken when the crowd burst into cheers.   
  
Videl strode out, bathing in the admiration of the crowd. This is a metaphor, by the way, she wasn't really bathing as such. If she was, she would have used water, and soap as well. So remember that you can't actually bathe in the admiration of a crowd. It would be unhygienic, and you would have trouble finding friends because of your terrible stench.   
  
"And her competitor, defeated in the first round of the last tournament by this young lady's father - it's the completely unremarkable Spopovich!"   
  
Spopovich lumbered into the ring, sweating profusely. His veins bulged and his piggish eyes honed in on Videl, followed by a lecherous grin that stretched across his face.   
  
Gohan sighed dreamily again, prompting Krillin to jab him in the elbow. "Watching your girlfriend, eh, Gohan?"   
  
"You know," said Goku. "You have an odd taste in girlfriends, Gohan. For a start, I don't approve of that M tattoo!"   
  
"That's Spopovich, not Videl! And Videl isn't my girlfriend!"   
  
"You're in denial, Gohan," said Krillin. "You don't have to deny the truth. Look, this is what an example of constant denial can turn you into!"   
  
"What are you doing, Krillin?" Vegeta demanded. "Stop pointing at me!"   
  
-----   
  
"Pui-Pui, I need to talk to you for a moment." Dabura led his fellow Majin outside the room and into one of the quiet corridors running throughout the heart of the Spaceship, and then turned to face him.   
  
"Pui-Pui, let's be honest. Your power is lacking."   
  
"What?" Pui-Pui yelped. "But I'm Pui-Pui! 10X GRAVITY means nothing to you?"   
  
"I laugh at 10x gravity! Ha! Ha! See how I laugh!"   
  
"But Dabura, it's not even that funny."   
  
Dabura sighed. "Let me get to the point, Pui-Pui. You are a weakling."   
  
"Gasp!" Pui-Pui clutched his chest. "I think you killed my heart."   
  
"So, I am going to train you in the ways of Dabura, the Demon King. For thousands of years I have kept my mighty trainings secret only to the most powerful of my demon servants, except for Johnny, who I trained to get him to shut up about it. We will turn you from simple Pui-Pui to the Great Majin Pui-Pui, Lord of Darkness!"   
  
"You mean... I can be as strong as you, Dabura?"   
  
Dabura laughed. "Of course not!"   
  
"Oh."   
  
"But my training will make you one of the strongest beings in this universe!"   
  
Pui-Pui grinned. "You mean, it'll turn me into what I already am?"   
  
Dabura patted Pui-Pui on his boney exoskeleton of a head. "Ah, brave Pui-Pui. So weak, and yet so filled with denial. Come with now, to the Holodeck!"   
  
"The what?"   
  
"This is a spaceship, so we're going to train in the Holodeck under intense gravity. Also, inside the Holodeck, each day is equivalent to a year in the outside world."   
  
"So, basically, it's the Gravity Holodeck of Space and Time! The most powerful training ground in the entire universe!" Pui-Pui's eyes shimmered. "And I'm going to to train in it!"   
  
-----   
  
"I don't like Videl fighting that Spopovich guy," said Gohan. "He looks sinister."   
  
"Yeah," agreed Goku. "Sinister. That means 'bald', right?"   
  
"No, dad, it means... well, evil. Sinister. You know, like Frieza and Cell."   
  
"Oh!" Goku nodded at Kibito. "Like him!"   
  
"Kaioshin," muttered Kibito, "Son Goku keeps looking at me. I don't like it. That is typical behaviour for zombies."   
  
"There are no such things as zombies, Kibito."   
  
"And how do you know that?"   
  
Kaioshin frowned. "Because I'm the Supreme Being of the universe with knowledge of everything?"   
  
"Oh yeah?" Kibito folded his arms sulkily. "Well, you don't understand me! You don't even let me stay out late with all my friends!"   
  
"You don't HAVE any friends!"   
  
"You're so mean! I hate you!"   
  
"Kibito, what did I tell you about being angsty?"   
  
"I... I'm sorry, Master Kaioshin. It will not happen again. It's just hard being a young teen Kibito growing up in this crazy world."   
  
"You haven't been a teenager for over 300 years, Kibito. Now, quiet! The fight is about to begin, and I believe this Spopovich is no regular human."   
  
"Now fight fair, you two," said the announcer. "And... begin!"   
  
Spopovich stepped slowly towards Videl, who dropped into a fighting stance and jumped forward, kicking quickly and thumping the big man twice in the chest. Momentarily winded, Spopovich faltered backwards, and Videl punched him in the chin, then leapt into the air and slammed down hard on his head. Spopovich grunted and dropped to his knees.   
  
"Go Videl!" said Gohan. "Who is not my girlfriend!"   
  
With a quick roundhouse kick, Videl sent the fallen Spopovich flying backwards, skidding along on his back to come to a rest near the edge of the ring.   
  
"And Spopovich is down! And I'll begin the countdown... wait! It seems Spopovich is standing up!"   
  
Smiling, Spopovich drew himself upwards, and began his slow walk towards Videl. Undaunted, the daughter of the world's strongest man resumed her assault. Spopovich didn't bother to defend himself as Videl struck out with skill and speed, hitting Spopovich from every possible angle, finishing with a forceful punch that once again had Spopovich on the ground.   
  
Grinning, Spopovich stood up again...   
  
-----   
  
Dabura and Pui-Pui stepped into the large white room. The door slammed shut behind them.   
  
"Wow," said Pui-Pui. "This place is bigger inside than on the outside."   
  
"Of course. It's the Gravity Holodeck of Space and Time." Dabura reached for a control panel set on the wall. "Now, we'll start off with a simple training exercise to test your ability to fight..." A dial clicked. "A thousand ninjas!"   
  
With a rapid holographic blurring, a thousand ninjas blinked into being, forming an instant circle around Pui-Pui. Pui-Pui cleared his throat nervously. "Are they real?"   
  
"If you mean whether they have souls and intelligence, and a rational self-awareness that makes them thinking individuals, then no," said Dabura. Pui-Pui relaxed. "However, if you're asking whether they can cause physical damage to you, then the answer is 'Yes.'" Pui-Pui screamed like a little girl.   
  
Dabura folded his arms and nodded at Pui-Pui. "Begin your battle!" The ninjas began to close in. Closing his eyes and unleashing a fearsome battlecry that sounded something like an icecube slowly squeaking through a rusty trapdoor, Pui-Pui ran forwards, swinging wildly at his ninja opponents.   
  
His time spent under 10x gravity had at least endowed Pui-Pui with strength and speed beyond that of lesser, 1x gravity beings, allowing him to run rings around the ninjas individually. But soon he was being pressured from every side, ninjas flipping in the air and performing impossible martial arts moves, ninjas pulling out giant swords from their black clothes, ninjas performing Vulcan neck-pinches. Pui-Pui was mobbed on all sides. "Help me, Dabura!"   
  
Dabura lifted his hand and flatted his palm, staring between his fingers at the swarming mass of ninjas. His teeth drew back in a snarl, and flaming energy radiated around his hand before erupting into a ball of powerful fire that slammed into the ninja army, incinerating them all. Pui-Pui alone stood, smoking rising from his rather charred exoskeleton.   
  
"Ow," said Pui-Pui, and fell over. Dabura pulled him roughly to his feet.   
  
"By the time our training is over, Pui-Pui, a thousand ninjas will be nothing to you!" 


	21. Spopovich, the Monster

Gohan screeched as Spopovich slammed Videl in the face with his fist.   
  
"Calm down, Gohan," said Goku, his voice muffled by popcorn. "I'm sure Videl is just toying with him. Soon she'll go Super Saiyajin and finish him with a Final Flash!"   
  
"You're thinking of VEGETA, dad! Not VIDEL!"   
  
Videl staggered backwards, and spun another kick that hit Spopovich but didn't faze the big man. She dodged two punches that split the ring beneath her. Everybody gasped as Videl rolled underneath a third punch and slammed Spopovich in the back, knocking him over.   
  
"So," said Goku, turning to Vegeta, "What's it like being the daughter of Mr. Satan?"   
  
-------  
  
"Check," said Babidi.   
  
Yakon frowned, and pushed a pawn with his talon.   
  
"No, Yakon," said Babidi patiently. "Pawns can't jump across the board and take out the King." He sighed. "I wonder where Dabura and Pui-Pui have gone? No Yakon bad Yakon don't eat my King!"   
  
Meanwhile, in the Gravity Holodeck of Space and Time....  
  
"Faster, Pui-Pui!" Dabura pressed some more buttons. "The giant spiked ball is getting closer to you!"   
  
"I can't... run... much... faster," gasped Pui-Pui, glancing over his shoulder. The giant spiked ball was indeed getting closer. "Slow it down, Dabura!"   
  
"What's that? You want me to increase the gravity?"   
  
"No! Slow it down!"   
  
"Increase the gravity, did you say?"   
  
"NO! SLOW THE BALL DOWN!"   
  
Dabura shrugged. "I would have advised against it, but very well, I shall increase the gravity. 200x should do it."   
  
"Gah," said Pui-Pui, as an invisible fist nailed him to the ground and the spiked ball rumbled over him. "Okay, Dabura, I think I just lost my kidney."   
  
Dabura frowned, and strolled over to where Pui-Pui was busily dying. "Pui-Pui! How will we ever get past this simple stage of training if you keep getting killed?"   
  
"It's not my fault," whimpered Pui-Pui. "The ninjas weren't so bad, and I got through the pit of fire okay, but I think making me fight those giant acid-spitting snakes was going a bit far. Can't I take a break?"   
  
"A break!" Dabura snarled. "A break!? Can you imagine that if you were fighting a giant two-headed behemoth with razor-sharp titanium teeth, claws ten miles wide and a body made out of radiated magma, he would give you the chance to take a break?"   
  
"Yes, but Dabura, let's be rational here. There is no chance I'd ever have to fight something like that."   
  
"Or IS there?" said Dabura, reaching for a button.   
  
-------  
  
Videl's face slammed into the ring. Spopovich pinned her there with his boot and began to dance violently on her struggling body.   
  
"Hooray!" said Goku.   
  
"No, dad! It's not 'hooray'! Videl is getting beaten up!"   
  
Goku frowned. "But that's good, Gohan! Now Videl and Nappa can't gather all the Dragonballs and wish for immortality!"  
  
Gohan closed his eyes and counted to ten. "Dad, you're getting Videl and Vegeta confused again."  
  
"Can you blame me? They have such similar names! Besides, I make up for my bad memory with my excellent schoolwork."  
  
"That's me, dad! Gohan! You're Goku!"  
  
"Ohhhhh," said Goku. "That explains a lot."  
  
Videl rolled to one side and staggered to her feet, wiping blood from her forehead. She had enough time to glance up at Spopovich's leering face as his fist thundered directly into her shoulder and sent her flying backwards.   
  
"Oh, it's horrible," said the announcer. "Videl is being slaughtered by that brute Spopovich! He won't stop his relentless rampage!"   
  
As Videl regained her balance again, Spopovich's shoulder smacked into her chest and winded her. It was followed by a giant hammer blow to the head, leaving another open wound on her face. Realising that she was losing her youthful good looks, Videl decided it was time to use her winning card. She lightly leapt from her feet and began to rise into the air.   
  
"Videl is flying!" screamed the announcer. "Or is she being abducted by aliens!? You make up your mind, ladies and gentlemen, because I have no idea what the hell is going on!"   
  
Sharpener and Eraser watched Videl's ascent into the air with awe. "Did you know she could do that?" said Eraser.   
  
"More importantly, why are we named after things you'll find in a pencil case?" said Sharpener. "Doesn't that strike you as kind of creepy?"   
  
"That's the spirit, Videl!" Gohan did the Gohan Dance of Joy, causing Piccolo to clamp down his shoulder. The Namek shook his head.   
  
"We agreed, Gohan. The Gohan Dance of Joy is stupid."   
  
"But Piccolo!"   
  
"It's a stupid, stupid dance, Gohan."   
  
Gohan hung his head. "Okay." He took off the clown wig and stopped honking his horn. "But you see, Videl is going to have time to recover in the air and plan her strategy. Why, that big lump of a Spopovich is in trouble now!"   
  
"Indeed," said Piccolo. "We're lucky Spopovich can't fly."   
  
"That's right, Piccolo." Goku nodded wisely. "It's fortunate Spopovich can't fly at all."   
  
"Man, we're lucky Spopovich can't fly!"   
  
"You can say that again, Krillin! If Spopovich could fly, Videl is going to be doomed!"   
  
"He's flying," said Vegeta.   
  
"What? Vegeta, are you just trying to be different again?"   
  
Vegeta glared. "Look, if you'd stop staring at me, you'd notice that Spopovich is flying."   
  
The announcer spat foam all over his microphone. "And Spopovich is also flying! Or is he inhaling helium that causes his body to hover slowly upwards?! Who can say!? I have no idea what the hell is going on here and I think I'm going to have to get paid extra for all the stress I'm enduring here!"   
  
"Very clever, Vegeta!" Goku folded his arms. "Mimicking the announcer and throwing your voice like that!"   
  
"I'm not trying to trick you, Spopovich is flying, damnit!"   
  
"Oh, no," murmured Videl. A wave of exhaustion hit her. What was she going to do now?   
  
Spopovich finished his ascent a few metres higher than Videl, and the muscular monster grinned down at her, his chest heaving and sweat dripping down his body. Then he lifted his hand and a ball of blue ki began to encircle it. Videl's eyes widened. "What is that?"   
  
"Kakarotto!!" Vegeta pointed furiously. "Look!! He's firing a ki blast!!!"   
  
"Yeah, right," said Goku. "You just want us to turn around and look at Spopovich, and then you'll say 'Ha ha! I tricked you! I am the Prince of all Saiyajin once again!' Not this time, Vegeta!"   
  
"A ki blast," said Gohan, shaking his head. "Oh, Vegeta, you must think we're so gullible."   
  
Videl watched helplessly as Spopovich's ball of energy solidifed and then erupted from his hand in a single straight beam, smashing into her chest and pushing her helplessly into the ring with incredible force. The crowd gasped in horror.   
  
"See!" Vegeta stamped his foot, enraged. "She's all dead now, you idiots!"   
  
"Now that's just not funny, Vegeta!" Gohan waved an angry finger. "Making jokes about Videl like that!"   
  
"Actually," said Piccolo.   
  
"How would you like it if I was to say Bulma had just been hit by a ki blast? Would you like that? No!"   
  
"Actually," said Piccolo.   
  
"Or maybe you think it's funny because you're some crazy Saiyajin? Well, guess what, Vegeta! I never did like your hair! I thought it was stupid!"   
  
"Actually, Gohan, he was right. Spopovich just fired a ki blast at Videl and she's hit the ring."   
  
Gohan blinked. "Ah." He spun to face the ring. "Videl! Nooooooo!"   
  
"My hair is cool," Vegeta muttered to himself, still in mild shock. "My hair is cool. My hair is cool."   
  
With no compassion for the injured, Spopovich resumed beating up Videl, who was still awake but barely able to fight back as the giant warrior slammed her against the ring and pounded her face until her black hair was streaked with blood.   
  
"I can't take much more of this," said Gohan, his fists clenching. "He's a monster."   
  
"Now, Gohan," said Goku. "Don't get angry!"   
  
"Look at what he's doing to Videl!"   
  
"Think happy thoughts, Gohan," Piccolo commanded. "Think of butterflies!"   
  
"My hair is cool," Vegeta chanted, his eyes glassy. "My hair is cool. My hair is cool."   
  
"Oh, the suffering," moaned the announcer. "It's like watching a young girl being beaten up by a giant muscular man. I don't think I can stand to watch any more!"   
  
Gohan's scarf began to slip from his head, and energy began to flare from his body. His hair shimmered yellow and began to rise. "How can they do this... I'll kill him! I'll never forgive him!"   
  
"No, Gohan!" Piccolo ran forward. "Think of the butterflies!"   
  
"Don't try to stop me! Spopovich! I'm coming for you!"   
  
Vegeta turned desperately to Piccolo. "Piccolo, be honest; what do you think of my hair?" 


	22. The Massacre Ends

The mighty steel doors hammered again, shuddering from the outside.   
  
"Go away!"   
  
"Listen," said the bulky blue demon hammering at the door, "I'm getting tired of this. I've been standing here for three long years waiting to talk to The King, and I'm getting just a tiny bit impatient!"   
  
"Great King Dabura is very busy!"   
  
"There's a line out here two kilometres wide! How can we go about our daily lives of evil torment if we don't get help from the King of the Demon World, hey?"   
  
The voice sighed, and then the doors slowly drew back, revealing the opulent (and rather dusty) expanse of Dabura's throne room. The blue demon took a cautious step inside.   
  
"Lord Dabura?" he called, rather unneasy. "I'm sorry I had to barge in and knock on your door so loudly, but it's rather important..."   
  
"Come closer," said Dabura, sitting on his throne.   
  
The blue demon walked a little closer.   
  
"Not that close!" snapped Dabura, wobbling dangerously. The blue demon blinked as one of Dabura's ears slowly began to droop until a small hand reached up and flicked it back into position.   
  
"Are you okay--"   
  
"Do not question me! I am fine!" The demon noticed that Dabura's mouth wasn't moving with his speech so much as his head was bobbing around frantically. Also, Dabura's eyes were suspiciously bright and shiny, almost like glass beads. And... was he made out of felt?   
  
"I am in fine health and very well," bellowed Johnny, sweating profusely from inside the Dabura hand-puppet. "I am Dabura the Great King of the Demon World! Rargh! Rooar! Rargh!"   
  
"Are you SURE you're okay, sire? I remember you used to have, well, a torso. And legs."   
  
"I do not need them! I have moved beyond such things!" The Dabura doll capered angrily from left to right, ears flopping wildly. "Now, speak what you must, or else I shall spit upon you with my ferocious spit!"   
  
The blue demon dropped to his knee. "Oh great Dabura!" he beseeched. "I beseech you! Please, my family is starving, ever since you mysteriously stopped appearing every week to beat up the bandits who steal our demon crops!"   
  
"Oh yeah?" The Dabura puppet hopped indignantly. "I just beat them up so fast you didn't see it!"   
  
"But great Lord, they just stroll into our farms and steal all our evil, demonic crops! I have seen them!"   
  
"No you haven't."   
  
"Yes, I have!" The blue demon paused. "Lord Dabura, are you sure you are well? Your voice sounds different."   
  
"Raargh! Snarl snarl growl! I am fine! I am merely changing my voice for fun! I am a wacky and loveable lord of the Demon World! Now go, go forth, make Dabura proud! Ride into the sunset!"   
  
"But--"   
  
"Go on! Out you go! Hop hop hop! Back to work!" The puppet clapped its little stuffed hands together. "Quickly now!"   
  
The blue demon retreated backwards. "The crops--"   
  
"Oh no! Ninjas! Hundreds of them! Run, I'll hold them off!"   
  
The blue demon wailed and fled through the door, slamming it shut behind him. The resonating slam almost sent Johnny rolling off his pudgy little claws. He pulled the Dabura puppet off his head, wiped his forehead, and let out a long, resigned sigh.   
  
"When are you coming back?" Johnny wondered aloud, then puddled to his little drawer of Johnny's Hopes and Ambitions, wherein lay his most prized possession - a golden goatee comb. Some day, he hoped to comb the Goatee of Dabura with this. But where was the Great Goatee? Where was Dabura? How long would he have to spend inside the puppet pretending to be Ruler of the Demon Realm? Why exactly was he wearing one of Dabura's capes which trailed ridiculously far behind him? And why was he constantly writing the letter "J" on every piece of furniture as he passed it? Johnny didn't know.   
  
"Where are you, Lord Dabura?"   
  
--------   
  
Dabura relaxed on his comfortable, albeit holographic chair, and watched as Pui-Pui struggled to climb a mountain made entirely out of robot ghosts.   
  
"This is hard, Dabura!"   
  
"Yes," said Dabura. "Yes, I imagine it is."   
  
Pui-Pui slipped and fell, which was followed by a bloody, gruesome scene far too bloody and gruesome to reproduce here. Dabura almost grimaced, but not quite, because he was just tough like that. "Are you still alive, Pui-Pui?"   
  
"If I said I wasn't, could I take a break?"   
  
Dabura shook his head and rose from his chair. "When will you learn, Pui-Pui? The only break you can get is when you break somebody's bones! Snap snap! Just like that!"   
  
"Damnit, Dabura, I already knew what that meant! You didn't have to demonstrate on my arms like that!"   
  
Dabura shrugged. "It's good for you."   
  
"No it isn't!"   
  
"That's a negative attitude! Think of all the things you can do!"   
  
"I can survive under 10 times normal gravity," said Pui-Pui, grinning hopefully.   
  
"Yes," growled Dabura, jabbing Pui-Pui's battered exoskeleton with a red fingertip, "But that's not enough, is it? You need to aim higher!"   
  
"Like... 20 times?"   
  
"No! What's the largest number you know?"   
  
"Twenty IS the largest number I know."   
  
Dabura sighed.   
  
--------   
  
"I'm coming to get you, Spopovich!" roared Gohan. "I'm coming to get you!"   
  
"Why is this taking so long?" grumbled Vegeta. "He's been running forward shouting like that for five minutes now."   
  
"Dramatic effect," said Piccolo. "He's taken lessons."   
  
"I'm coming for you! I'll kill you!"   
  
"Wait," said Yamu, stepping up to the ring. "That's enough, Spopovich."   
  
Spopovich paused from his current activity, which was using Videl to mop up her own blood from the ring. "BRAINS!"   
  
"No, Spopovich! No brains! Your fight ends here! We have no time to play!"   
  
Spopovich clutched his head, eyes bulging, and bellowed: "Spopovich want BRAINS!"   
  
"Spopovich, for the last time, cut out the damn zombie idiot crap. You're a guy just like me who happened to have evil powers awakened. It didn't change your freaking personality."   
  
Spopovich cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, Yamu, but I prefer to play out my hidden zombie persona through physical cariacture acting. If you can't appreciate that, well I'm sorry, but I don't think we'd get along together well in a professional partnership."   
  
"What?"   
  
"BRAINS! BRAINS FOR SPOPOVICH!"   
  
"That's enough, Spopovich! Finish the match!"   
  
"Fine," grunted Spopovich, dropping Videl out of the ring, to the enormous relief of the crowd.   
  
"Coming to get you!" screeched Gohan. "Almost there! What? The fight? It's over! Videl!" He powered down, his hair fading to black, and ran to scoop Videl up in his arms. "Videl? Are you okay?"   
  
"Well, kid, take a guess," said the announcer, microphone to one side. "I mean, Spopovich just spent the last ten minutes using her as a punching bag. What do you think?"   
  
"I think she might be a little bit not okay! Guys, we need a sensu bean for Videl! Dad, can you go get one?"   
  
"Right!" Goku nodded. "I'll use the Shunkan Idou! Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the Shunkan Idou technique?"   
  
"Yes, Kakarotto. Many, many times."   
  
"It goes like this! I put my fingers to my forehead, see, and I can go anywhere. It's a shame you guys can't do that, it's really handy!"   
  
Piccolo clutched his forehead for moral support. "Goku, why don't you just teach us the damn technique?"   
  
Goku shrugged. "I have no idea. Bye! I'm going to go get sensu beans." He flickered away, and rematerialized miles away in the small stone dome partway up the spire of Kami's Lookout. "Hey, Korin!"   
  
The wise old cat blinked at the new arrival. "Goku!"   
  
"I'm going to need a sensu bean," said Goku. "Oh, hi, Yajirobe! Did I ever tell you guys about the Shunkan Idou technique?"   
  
Yajirobe winced. "Not again."   
  
"It goes like this!"   
  
--------   
  
The medics carried Videl to a room in the main compound, where they began bandaging her as best they could. Mr. Satan ran through the hallways, pushing people aside, finally bursting in to find Gohan standing by her side as they applied ointment to her wounds.   
  
"Oh, my poor sweet Videl!" Mr. Satan clutched her hand, and then glared at Gohan. "Did you do this to her?"   
  
"No, honest, it was Spopovich!"   
  
"Because if you did, I'll strangle you!"   
  
"This young boy carried her here, Mr. Satan," said the doctor. "He treated her very gently."   
  
"Well, I guess you did good, kid. Come see me later and you can have my autograph, how does that sound?"   
  
"Uh, great. I guess."   
  
"Off you run then, boy, don't get in the way." Mr. Satan waved at him dismissively, but Videl raised her head and gazed at Gohan pleadingly.   
  
"Gohan..."   
  
"Videl!"   
  
"Beat him for me... Gohan...."   
  
Gohan nodded. "You can count on it, Videl."   
  
"Wait a second!" Mr. Satan leapt to his feet. "This scrawny little kid isn't going to do anything! It's me, your great father Mr. Satan, who's going to teach that Spopovich a thing or two!"   
  
Videl and Gohan's eyes were locked for a few seconds too long for Mr. Satan's liking. "What!? No! I won't have it! My little girl does not have a boyfriend! Certainly not a skinny weed like this kid! I won't stand for it! It's not going to happen!"   
  
--------   
  
"Where the hell is Kakarotto?" Vegeta tapped his foot impatiently. The announcer had just declared that the fight between Kibito and Gohan was in stasis as Gohan had failed to show up for the fight. Finally, Gohan ran into view, but he wasn't prepared to step out from the shadowed fighter's cloister while Videl was in her injured state.   
  
"Is dad back yet with the sensu bean?"   
  
"No," said Piccolo. "Your father isn't back yet, Gohan. In fact, he's not returned."   
  
"Do you always have to talk like that, Piccolo?"   
  
Piccolo stared into the distance. "Sometimes, Gohan. Sometimes when I speak, that's the way I say things. Other times, it's not."   
  
Gohan glanced between Piccolo, who was still gazing mysteriously into the distance, and Vegeta, who was nervously prodding his hair. He sighed. "Why is there nobody sane around here?"   
  
"Hey," said Krillin. "What about me?"   
  
Gohan started. "What? Who are you!?"   
  
"It's me, Krillin! The little guy? Who grew hair? You know, your friend since you were a child?"   
  
"Oh! That guy!" Gohan nodded. "There's always old Krillin!"   
  
Krillin laughed. "Next you'll tell me you forgot who Yamcha is!"   
  
Gohan frowned. "Who?"   
  
"Where the hell is Kakarotto?" Vegeta repeated, mostly because he liked saying the word 'Kakarotto'.   
  
--------   
  
"And then my fingers go like this," said Goku. He paused. "It's important! Never one finger, never three! Just two! Got that?"   
  
"Goku," said Yajirobe. "I'll say this again. We. Don't. Care."   
  
"That's right," said Goku, agreeing. "Two fingers. And then I've got to lock onto a ki signal. And it can take a long time. Or not a long time. Depends, you see. And then I have to--"   
  
"Take the sensu bean and leave!" screamed Yajirobe. "Go away! Just stop bothering us!"   
  
Korin nodded. "For once, the Bean Daddy is right. Stop wasting time, Goku! That young girl needs you!"   
  
"Right!" Goku grinned. "I'm ready to go! I'll use the Shunkan Idou technique! Did I ever tell you guys about that?" 


	23. Minions of Babidi Attack

Goku appeared, scaring the hell out of Vegeta who fell over and began wheezing uncontrollably, clutching his heart.   
  
"Hey, guys!" said Goku, waving his sensu bean triumphantly. "I got the sensu bean!"   
  
"Can't... breathe..." rasped Vegeta. "Crept up on me... Kakarotto... bastard...."   
  
"Welcome back, Goku," said Piccolo sternly. "You just killed Vegeta."   
  
"Who?" Goku shrugged. "Anyway, Gohan, take this bean to Videl!"   
  
"Right!" Gohan reached out to Goku's hand, which wrapped protectively around the bean. "C'mon, dad," he said, tugging at Goku's fist. "Hand it over."   
  
Sweat poured down Goku's forehead. He was holding food. Food. Why would he surrender food? He could eat it. Yes. The delicious food in his hand. But what about Videl? She needed the bean. But was she as hungry as Goku? No! Goku was the hungriest. Yes, that's right. Goku was hungry. It was that simple. It was his bean, after all.   
  
He bit hungrily into the palm of his hand, then yelped. "Where'd the bean go?"   
  
"Gohan pried it out of your fingers while you were drooling and muttering to yourself." Piccolo nodded at the corridor. "I'm guessing he ran back there to give it to Videl."   
  
"The lights..." said Vegeta. "Growing... dim... heart... can't... fading..."   
  
--------   
  
Gohan ran through the corridors, then bashed through the door of the infirmary to see Mr. Satan hunched over his daughter, wildly ranting about how he was going to find that Spopovich and rip his head off, and then beat him to death with his own head.   
  
"Is that even possible?"   
  
Mr. Satan leapt to his feet. "It's you! Kid, I thought I told you that Videl needs her space!"   
  
"Gohan!" Videl's face lit up.   
  
"Videl!" Gohan's face lit up.   
  
Mr. Satan groaned. When people's faces start to light up like that, it was a bad sign. They were either in love or they'd just been exposed to a near-lethal dose of radiation. And he was sensible enough to know which one it was.   
  
"Doctor," he hissed. "Get everybody out of the building. There's been a radiation leak!" He was interrupted by Gohan who brushed by him to reach Videl's bedside.   
  
"I brought you this apparently insignificant bean, Videl," said Gohan, holding it out to her. "Eat it."   
  
"Oh, Gohan! It's the most wonderful apparently insignificant bean I've ever seen!"   
  
"Don't you eat that bean! Why, it's a demon bean! That's right!" Mr. Satan shook a Finger of Warning. "And if you eat that bean, young lady, you'll probably get SICK and DIE!"   
  
Gohan gently placed the bean into Videl's mouth. She chewed it hesitantly, and then swallowed. Mr. Satan covered his eyes and moaned. "Oh, the tragedy. My daughter has eaten the sinister bean! I'll get you, kid! I'll get you for killing my daughter with your tricky bean of tragedy!"   
  
Videl's eyes opened wide. She sat upright, and tore the bandages off her arm - the skin was completely healed. "I'm cured! I feel great!"   
  
"That's right!" Gohan glanced his watch. "Wow, I'm late for my fight. I've gotta run. Wish me luck!"   
  
"Good luck, Gohan!"   
  
"Er," said Mr. Satan pathetically. "Doctor, that was because of your medicine, right?"   
  
"Yes," said the doctor. "Yes, it was. Can we talk about my medical fee now?"   
  
--------   
  
"So," said the announcer. "Heard any good jokes lately?"   
  
Kibito stared down at him, his wrinkled face expressionless. The announcer stepped back a metre or so.   
  
"Not the joking type, eh? Well, okay." He sighed, tapping his foot on the ring. "The crowd's getting ugly. What sort of super hero shows up late for his match? What if we were all trapped in a burning building, huh? He's as late as my Great Uncle-Henry!"   
  
"Ah!" Kibito nodded, understanding. "This is one of your analogies, yes? I have been studying them. May I try one out?"   
  
"Er... okay."   
  
Kibito cleared his throat. "Good morning. The weather is as fine as a rhinocerous today, I see. How is your lunch? Mine is as delicious as a papercut."   
  
Kaioshin, standing with the Z Fighters near the ring, shook his head sadly. "Poor Kibito. He tries so hard, but he just can't master basics of human conversation."   
  
"Yes," said Vegeta, sneering. "He's as stupid as a chandelier."   
  
"Hey." Piccolo frowned. "I thought you were dying."   
  
"Like all Saiyajin, I am simply too stupid to die!"   
  
Piccolo nodded. "I figured it was something like that."   
  
"It's Gohan!" Goku waved. "Gohan, is Videl okay?"   
  
"Yeah, she's better than ever! And I'm ready for my fight." He began to walk towards the ring. As he neared it, the announcer turned, saw him, and grinned. He raised his microphone to his mouth.   
  
"Finally! The Great Saiyaman has arrived for his first-round match with Kibito! Ladies and gentlemen, it's the hero of the people VS... er... this guy! This will be a match to watch!"   
  
Gohan stepped up onto the ring. In his haste to return to his battle, he'd forgotten to put his scarf back on, and it was with incredible shock that he heard shouting from the stands far above him.   
  
"Gohan!" Sharpner was shouting. "Hey, Gohan!"   
  
Oh, no... Gohan's eyes closed. He'd blown his secret identity! Now he had no way of protecting his family from the inevitable interest his superpowers would bring. What a fool he was!   
  
"I had no idea that the Great Saiyaman's secret identity was Gohan," said Eraser, amazed.   
  
"It's too bad," said Sharpner. "He's a nice kid, but how he's going to beat this guy? I mean, he's big. And mysterious."   
  
Gohan stared up at Kibito. Kibito stared down at him.   
  
"Gohan," said Kibito. "Show me the power of the Super Saiyajin."   
  
Gohan blinked. "What?"   
  
"You heard me. Show me your power."   
  
Gohan glanced to his father for support. Goku yelled encouragingly: "Gohan! Watch out for his tail! He might absorb you with it!"   
  
Forget that. He glanced to Piccolo for support. Piccolo nodded, so Gohan clenched his fists and returned his steely gaze to Kibito's face. "Fine. You asked for it."   
  
"No matter what happens," said Kaioshin quietly. "You must not interfere or help Gohan in any way."   
  
Vegeta frowned. "What is this 'help'?"   
  
"It's when you assist others."   
  
Vegeta clutched his head. "Assist? What?"   
  
"You know! You mustn't try to save Gohan, even if something terrible happens!"   
  
"Gnargh!" Vegeta rubbed his forehead. "It hurts. Explain 'save'!"   
  
"Don't do anything!"   
  
"Oh," said Vegeta, relieved. "That. I can do that."   
  
Gohan took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. Inside him he could feel the power of the Super Saiyajin, ready to be unleashed. Yellow energy coursed over his body like molten gold as he began the transformation. The tips of his hair quivered, and began to rise. They formed into glowing spikes as his aura spiked up above his body and finally erupted outwards in a shockwave of yellow ki. The sound of his aura became audible; his body filled with energy. Gohan met Kibito's stunned face with a smirk.   
  
"Is that all you want?" Gohan grinned. "Or shall I take it to the next level?"   
  
"There's another level?" Kibito gasped. "I'm as stunned as a cardboard box."   
  
Feeling the rage burning underneath his skin, Gohan let it out. His power exploded. Electricity ripped through his aura and slashed the air around him, and the tiles of the arena tore from the ground to hover above the air, held by his latent power. His aura thickened and his hair grew again as the sound of his power tearing the air intensified, and Gohan screamed the last of his power forth, bringing it from deep within, his aura growing steadily as Super Saiyajin 2 took hold.   
  
Vegeta laughed. "Such a long descriptive paragraph, and he's still weaker than he was as a child! Pathetic!"   
  
"All the same," said Kaioshin grimly, "He's stronger than I had anticipated. Far stronger. I may not be able to restrain him."   
  
"Restrain him?" Goku shrieked. "You're Dr. Gero, working with Cell to kill poor Gohan!"   
  
"We had our long talk, Goku! He's the Kaioshin of all the Heavens!"   
  
"That's what you say, Piccolo," said Goku suspiciously. "How do I know you're not Android #19?"   
  
This is incredible, thought Kibito. All this power and he's but a mortal. It's as amazing as a rotating bandstand.   
  
Gohan relaxed. The tiles fell from the sky, thudding into the ring, and the electricity rampaging around his body calmed to steadily crackle around him. His turqouise eyes meet Kibito's wide ones. "You got what you asked for."   
  
The crowd was silent, too shocked by what they were seeing. Only one other person could understand the spectacle, and that was Mr. Satan, clinging fearfully to a stone pillar as he watched the scene. "They're back," he said. "They're back to get their revenge! The horrible gold-haired mutants!"   
  
"This is the one," said Yamu. Spopovich hefted a large bone-white needle with a bulbous dialled handle. "It's time."   
  
They leapt. They flew through the air, immediately attracting Gohan's attention as they made their clumsy aerial approach. The young SSJ2 began to turn to fight off his attackers - and froze. His muscles strained as though they were being clamped down by ropes.   
  
Kaioshin stood, ten metres away, his hands in front of his chest, his face twitching with concentration. "What's he doing?" shouted Krillin. "We have to help Gohan!"   
  
"No," said Piccolo, catching hold of his gi and pulling him back. "We watch."   
  
"Those two guys," said Goku. "They must be... yes... they're CELL JUNIORS! They've come to help Cell!"   
  
Spopovich laughed as his needle plunged deeply into Gohan's shoulder. Gohan screamed in absolute agony as his life was torn from inside him, flowing into the devilish contraption.   
  
"Gohan!" screamed Videl, running forward. Goku caught her arm.   
  
"No! Don't you see? Cell will absorb humans like you and become even stronger!"   
  
"Piccolo," said Vegeta, exasperated, "Does it seem to you that Kakarotto is stupider than he normally is?"   
  
The Namek nodded. "Yeah. But do you get the feeling that nothing is like it really should be, Vegeta? That strange sensation in the air that the very destiny given to us has gone wrong?"   
  
Vegeta shrugged. "Sort of. But I thought that was just the spandex." He smiled and caressed his torso. "Mmm, spandex. So tight and clingy."   
  
Piccolo shuddered.   
  
--------   
  
Pui-Pui punched again. And again.   
  
"You can do it!" shouted Dabura. "Fight, Pui-Pui! Fight!"   
  
"But Dabura," panted Pui-Pui, dodging a wild punch from his opponent. "It's hard!"   
  
"That's good! The harder it is, the more it'll hurt when you screw it up!"   
  
"But that's not good!" Pui-Pui ducked a kick. "That's actually really, really bad!"   
  
Dabura considered this. "Yes, you're right. But hard is much more fun to watch."   
  
Pui-Pui weaved around another attack from the giant ice-breathing spider dragon with the jetpack and the ten thousand razor-tipped tentacles. "Where the hell do you come up with these opponents, anyway, Dabura?"   
  
"I just make it up as I go along," said Dabura. "Watch out for that left hook - well, you should have listened to me, shouldn't you? Now, you put your organs back inside your body and then do two thousand pushups!"   
  
Dabura nodded as Pui-Pui returned to his training. Pui-Pui had the potential to be a mighty warrior. Perhaps he could even hope to be the Super Pui of Legend...   
  
--------   
  
"Yakon! Don't eat Colonel Mustard!" Babidi slammed his hairy little head into the game board, unsettling the dice. "You idiot! How will we know if he did it in the library with the revolver?"   
  
Yakon shrugged. "Great Lord Babidi, I tire of these tedious games."   
  
"What?" Babidi frowned. "You're talking."   
  
"Of course I can talk, Master. I have done so on several occassions. You simply weren't listening."   
  
"Eh?" Babidi frowned. "You're talking."   
  
Yakon sighed. It was so hard to live the life of a giant green beetle. He sucked in light, but not even all the light in the world could fill the dark, empty place in his lonely, lonely heart.   
  
"So," said Babidi. "Up for a game of Snakes and Ladders?" He sighed. "If only you could talk. Where IS Dabura?" 


	24. The Threat of Majin Buu

Spopovich laughed as he drained the life out of Gohan. Yamu laughed too. Gohan laughed with them for a bit, even though he didn't get the joke, but eventually decided to stop laughing because the pain was becoming quite bad.   
  
If asked to describe the pain he felt flooding from his shoulder, he would have described it as the sort of intense pain you get when two semi-naked muscular men drain your energy from you with a giant needle. Veins corded out on Gohan's neck as he screeched his high-pitched wail of woe, something that wasn't missed by his little brother as he watched from afar.   
  
"We've got to help him, Trunks!" said Goten, flailing around in Mighty Mask's suit. "They're killing him!"   
  
"Why isn't anybody helping?" Trunks wondered.   
  
Goten attempted to leap to Gohan's rescue and brought the costume head-over-heels. "I'm coming, Gohan!" he shouted, as he attempted to burrow his way through the seat in front of him. Unfortunately, the rule of people in clumsy costumes was ensuring that all his attempts to rescue Gohan ended with hilarious pratfalls.   
  
Piccolo decided he couldn't watch any more. The pain and suffering on his best friend's face was too much to bear. He glanced away, and his eyes rested on Vegeta instead. Realising that there were some things uglier than pain and suffering, he turned his gaze back to Gohan's anguish.   
  
"Damn them," muttered Goku, his fists clenched. "Draining his life like that. I'll get you for this, Cell Juniors!"   
  
Piccolo shook his head. "God, just kill me now and end this."   
  
Kaioshin blinked. "Are you sure that's what you want?"   
  
"Okay, Spopovich!" shouted Yamu. "We have enough sweet, delicious life energy!"   
  
"Now for his brains!" Spopovich began to gnaw busily on Gohan's skull. Yamu slapped him away.   
  
"No, Spopovich! There's no time for brains! We must take this life energy to Master Babidi, whereupon we will probably be given a promotion and super powers and not at all be betrayed and killed horribly!"   
  
Spopovich sighed. "Whatever you say, Yamu, although I don't agree with our course of action. SPOPOVICH MAD!"   
  
The dastardly duo dropped Gohan's now lifeless body to the ring and took to the skies, quickly disappearing over the horizon. The crowd, who had been frozen in terror much like a caveman is frozen in ice until he awakes in the future and then hilariously has to adjust to modern society, came back to life and began to whisper excitedly.   
  
Videl ran to Gohan, but Kaioshin motioned for the others to stay put and listen to him. It was an incredibly complicated motion, and Vegeta misunderstood it for a motion commanding him to dance wildly.   
  
"Stop dancing, Vegeta, and listen to me," said Kaioshin sternly.   
  
"I wasn't dancing," Vegeta blustered. "I was... training. To defeat Kakarotto!"   
  
"Kibito will help Gohan," Kaioshin said. "We must follow Spopovich and Yamu. I'll explain everything as we travel, but we must go quickly! The very fate of the Universe is at stake!"   
  
"The Universe," said Piccolo, stunned.   
  
"A steak," said Goku, stunned.   
  
"Come quickly!" Kaioshin hovered into the air. "We haven't much time."   
  
"Okay, guys, who wants to come?" Goku glanced at his friends. "Because if you don't want to come, I won't consider any less of you for being such a coward."   
  
"I'm with you, Goku," said Piccolo.   
  
Krillin laughed awkwardly. "And, like, you can't go anywhere without bringing Krillin, right? Just in case you run into trouble and need me to save you?"   
  
Piccolo nodded understandingly and patted Krillin on the head. "Yes, Krillin, whatever you say."   
  
"Not so fast, Kakarotto!" Vegeta grabbed the front of Goku's gi and thrust his face menacingly towards his much taller rival. "You're just trying to escape our fight!"   
  
"Oh, that's our silly Vegeta," said Goku amiably. "Don't you see this is kind of important? Steak is involved!"   
  
"He said 'stake', Goku," said Piccolo. "The universe is at STAKE."   
  
"Oh, is that all?" Goku frowned. "Well, it's still more important than our fight, Vegeta! Why don't you come along?"   
  
Vegeta snarled. "Fine! I'll come along, Kakarotto. And after this, we will have our battle, and I will defeat you!"   
  
Goku nodded understandingly and patted Vegeta on the head. "Yes, Vegeta, whatever you say."   
  
Krillin glanced at #18. "Are you coming?"   
  
"No. I think I'll stay here and win that prize money, like I came to do." #18 smiled. "There won't be anybody left to challenge me now."   
  
"Okay, well, I'll see you later."   
  
"Krillin - be careful."   
  
"I will, sugar-puffin!"   
  
"Stay out of trouble, honey-woney!"   
  
"Don't worry about me, angel features!"   
  
"If things get tough, don't be afraid to run, Krilly!"   
  
"You can count on it, Eighty-weighty - Goku, stop laughing. Right now. I'm in a serious relationship and you need to learn to understand that."   
  
"Sugar puffin," Goku snorted, and laughed so hard that Piccolo had to hit him until he snapped out of it. With no time to lose, they left the Budokai (and an amazed crowd) behind them as they ascended into the sky.   
  
--------   
  
Pui-Pui had learned a lot in the last few hours. For a start, he now knew that a giant triceratops with rockets for legs could also open it's mouth and unleash a horde of pirates.   
  
"Arrrrr!" cried a pirate, before Pui-Pui finished it with an open palm blast that sent a sad, solitary pegleg rattling across the floor.   
  
"Good job, Pui-Pui," said Dabura. "I may have to turn up the difficulty to Easy."   
  
"What? What difficulty am I on now??"   
  
"'Very Easy'," Dabura said, checking the screen.   
  
Pui-Pui sighed. "Dabura, why do I have to go through such intense training? I'm already the most powerful Pui in the universe, and it's not like anybody on Earth could ever threaten my power as it is."   
  
Dabura frowned. "Foolish Pui-Pui! Strength like yours is nothing to be proud of! Only when you have reached the mastery of energy and flame, as I myself have, can you relax in this comfortable chair and drink this refreshing, cool lemonade!"   
  
"Whatever you say, Dabura." Pui-Pui glanced around him. "You know, this Gravity Holodeck of Space and Time seems like a completely ridiculous thing to exist anywhere, doesn't it?"   
  
Dabura shrugged. "I'd say something even more ridiculous is approaching you right now."   
  
"Oh no! Not a ten-foot-tall sea slug with laser swords extending from two cybernetic arms that have been grafted onto it's forehead!" Pui-Pui stepped back. "Dabura, give me some advice here!"   
  
Dabura considered this. "I suggest you get his damage up to 100% and then attempt to Meteor Smash him out of the arena."   
  
"What does that even MEAN?"   
  
"I'm not actually sure."   
  
A laser sword almost cut Pui-Pui's head off. He liked that head; it had sentimental value. "Dabura, I'm out of my league here! Can't you just show me how it's done?"   
  
"Fine!" Dabura rose to his feet and crushed the lemonade in one hand. He lightly stepped on one foot and then pushed himself forward, focusing his dark ki to propel him at incredible speeds towards the unsuspecting monstrosity. With incredible speed he landed three punches before Pui-Pui could even register Dabura had moved at all. The first two struck off the beasts's cybernetic arms and the final one sent the monster flying backwards, slamming into the wall and crackling out of existence.   
  
"Oh," said Pui-Pui. "So that's how you do it."   
  
Dabura landed, his cape descending to touch the ground behind him. "Now, do you want to try again?"   
  
Suddenly a shrill voice rang through the infinity that surrounded them. "Pui-Pui! Dabura! Are you in there? Who's guarding my spaceship?"   
  
Dabura sighed. "I was merely training Pui-Pui, Lord Babidi."   
  
"I've decided I want to be called 'Master Babidi' today," said Babidi's echoing voice.   
  
"Very well, Master Babidi."   
  
"Actually, no, Lord Babidi sounded better. Stick with that. Anyway, Dabura, get back up here! Spopovich and Yamu should be due back at any minute now!"   
  
"Very well, Lord Babidi."   
  
"I changed my mind. I think Master Babidi sounds better."   
  
"Perhaps I could call you 'Lord Master Babidi?'"   
  
"No, that's just silly. Now hurry up!"   
  
Pui-Pui smiled, relieved. "Well, I guess we have to take a break, right?"   
  
"It seems so," said Dabura, heading towards the door. "But remember your training, Pui-Pui!"   
  
"Don't worry," said Pui-Pui unhappily. "Even if I forget now, I'm sure the nightmares I'm bound to have plaguing me for the rest of my life will be a great reminder."   
  
--------   
  
"Is he going to be okay?" said Videl, crouched over Gohan.   
  
"He will be as fine as a stiletto shoe when I'm done healing him," said Kibito, extending his palms over Gohan's body.   
  
"I'm sorry, sir," interrupted a voice, which belonged to a medic clambering onto the ring. "We'll take it from here."   
  
"No," said Kibito. "You will not."   
  
"He's been stabbed," said the medic. "If we don't get him properly treated, he could die. From being stabbed. By a stabber."   
  
Kibito glared. "You will stand back."   
  
Something was incredibly convincing about Kibito, possibly his large fangs, so the medic hastily retreated to a corner where he curled into a ball and began sucking on his thumb. Kibito spread out his hands and closed his eyes. Warm ki began to radiate from his palm, filling Gohan with ki once again.   
  
Eventually Kibito's hands withdrew. Gohan twitched, and then his eyes opened. Startled, he leapt to his feet and glanced away. "Where'd they go? What happened?"   
  
"All will be explained, Gohan," said Kibito. "But you must come with me."   
  
--------   
  
"You see," said Kaioshin. "A long time ago, there was an evil wizard named Bibidi. He created a monster - a monster named Majin Buu."   
  
Goku nodded encouragingly. "Go on!"   
  
The ocean rapidly flew past beneath them. "Back then, there were four other Kaioshin," Kaioshin continued. "Each one of them was powerful enough to defeat the one you call Frieza in a single punch!"   
  
"Well, I could do that," said Vegeta. "After all, I defeated that punching machine in one blow. Vegeta power!"   
  
"Indeed," said Kaioshin. "Yet Majin Buu killed them all, except for me. He knew no mercy or compassion. He existed only to destroy."   
  
"Sounds like he'd have made a good Saiyajin," Vegeta thought.   
  
"No, Vegeta, you're wrong," said Kaioshin. "He was a mindless monster!"   
  
"Wait, you can read my thoughts?"   
  
"Yes. In fact, I know all about that little fantasy you have involving Bulma and--"   
  
"Shut up!"   
  
"As I was saying," said Kaioshin, "Majin Buu was a terrible monster. But, eventually, he became too strong for Bibidi to control. Bibidi took to sealing him away in a ball, where he could harm nobody."   
  
"Sounds like he'd have made a good Saiyajin sealed away in a ball," thought Vegeta.   
  
"That didn't make much sense, Vegeta," said Kaioshin. "Please stop thinking stupid things."   
  
"He can't help it," said Piccolo.   
  
"It's just so hard being able to read minds," Kaioshin complained. "You don't even want to know what it's like having to pick up on Goku's thoughtwaves."   
  
"Did somebody say Goku?" said Goku cheerfully. "I knew a guy named Goku once."   
  
"Eventually," said Kaioshin tersely, "I managed to find Bibidi while Buu was sealed away. I killed Bibidi and hid the cocoon, thinking that Buu was now sealed forever."   
  
"Well, that's a relief," said Krillin. "You had me scared for a moment there!"   
  
"Actually, Bibidi had a son, Babidi, and Babidi was just as evil as his father. I believe he intends to revive Majin Buu, and if he does, nobody will be safe."   
  
"Damnit." Krillin shook his head. "I really should have seen that plot twist coming."   
  
"So now we must follow Spopovich and Yamu," concluded Kaioshin. "Kibito and I could not find Babidi's ship, but they will lead us to him. When we find it, we must stop the resurrection of Majin Buu." 


	25. Babidi's Spaceship Discovered

They continued to soar through the sky, the wind rushing through their hair.   
  
"What the hell is that!?" screamed Krillin, clutching his skull. "What the hell is happening to my head?!"   
  
"That's the wind rushing through your hair, Krillin," explained Goku. "It's probably new to you."   
  
"Oh, is that all?" Krillin laughed. "I thought it was alien spores growing inside my brain."   
  
"Actually, there ARE alien spores growing inside your brain," said Kaioshin. "But don't worry about it. I'm sure you'll be fine."   
  
"Do you think Gohan will catch up to us?" Goku asked, as Krillin gibbered and scratched at his scalp. "I'd hate for him to miss the chance to meet some crazy new villain."   
  
"I'm sure Kibito is leading us to him right now," said Kaioshin. "And he'll be filling him on the complex tale of Majin Buu. I've made sure that Kibito knows full well what we are up against. He is just as informed as I."   
  
--------   
  
"So," said Kibito. "Do you understand it all now, Son Gohan?"   
  
"Sort of. You're saying that some sort of futuristic robot from the past travelled through a hole in time and space to bring some sort of magical flower to the unicorn princess, and unlocked the evil curse of the ancient mummy wizard which brought some sort of demon from Dimension X to life?"   
  
"Yes." Kibito's eyes shifted suspiciously. "That is exactly right."   
  
"We better go faster!" Gohan began to increase his speed.   
  
"Wait, Gohan! I can't keep up!" Videl waved frantically. "Can't you go a little slower? I'm new to this!"   
  
"She's as slow as a tap-dancing monkey wearing a hat made out of people," observed Kibito, hoping that he was making sense. "Perhaps we should leave her behind."   
  
"You're right," said Gohan firmly. "It's too dangerous for her."   
  
"Actually, I was going to say 'Because she's stupid and is slowing us down', but that reason works as well."   
  
Gohan slowed to a halt, allowing Videl to catch up to him. "Videl, you have to go back. This is too dangerous for you. Kibito tells me the demon can fire lasers from it's beak and when you reduce it's health to half it transforms into a more powerful mecha-demon with twice as many hitpoints. I just can't let you risk your life against something like that."   
  
Videl sighed. "I suppose you're right. But tell me, Gohan, before you go. It wasn't really my father that beat Cell, was it?"   
  
"No, Videl," said Gohan. "It wasn't."   
  
"It was you, wasn't it?"   
  
Gohan screamed. "You can't prove anything! I washed the knife! I washed it!!"   
  
"No, Gohan, I mean, it was you that killed Cell!"   
  
"Oh! Right, yes, right. That was me."   
  
"I thought so, Gohan." Videl's eyes shimmered with disturbing degrees of affection. "Be careful, Gohan!"   
  
"I will be!"   
  
"Gohan," commanded Kibito. "We must move as fast as we possibly can. Let's go!"   
  
And at an incredible speed, Kibito and Gohan rocketed into the distance, leaving Videl behind.   
  
--------   
  
"Well," said the announcer. "We're screwed. We're officially screwed."   
  
A plastic bottle leapt from the crowd and struck him on the side of the head. "If we don't get some fighters back in here soon, the crowd will lynch us!"   
  
One of the minor officials shrugged. "What can we do? We've never had half the tournament run out on us before. Except for that one time when you came out onto the ring and had forgotten to put on your trousers."   
  
"Yes, well." The announcer frowned. "I was drunk."   
  
"You didn't have to dance."   
  
"Like I said, I was drunk!" Something heavy struck him on the jaw. "Somebody make them stop throwing food! What the hell are we going to do?"   
  
--------   
  
"I'm going so fast," said Vegeta. "Check it out, Kakarotto. I'm going faster than any of you."   
  
"Vegeta, we're in front of you."   
  
"Only because I'm toying with you, fools!"   
  
Kaioshin stared into the distance. "We haven't lost Spopovich and Yamu. Good." Then he turned his head to observe the rapid approach of Kibito and Gohan. "There you are. It's about time."   
  
"Hi, dad!"   
  
"Gohan! You found us! Did you hear all about the new enemy?"   
  
"Yeah, he sounds really dangerous! Especially with his laser beak!"   
  
Kaioshin sighed. "Kibito, did you tell him the story about the unicorn princess?"   
  
"Uh... yes, Master."   
  
"You forgot the story of Majin Buu again, didn't you."   
  
"Yes, Master. Yes, I did."   
  
"Well, we all know what they say about people with short memories," said Goku, his tone hostile.   
  
"And what's that?" asked Kibito curiously.   
  
"That they're PERFECT CELL!"   
  
"Quiet! Spopovich and Yamu are landing!" Kaioshin motioned ahead. "We must land here, behind these rocks."   
  
--------   
  
"This is so cool," said Yamu. "I bet Master Babidi will promote us. He'll probably give us even better super strength than we already have."   
  
"Spopovich wants brains! And a fair and equitable retirement plan!"   
  
"Being a henchman is the best thing we ever did," Yamu observed, as his feet touched the ground. "I mean, when we were actual independent people, let's face it. We were nobodies."   
  
"We did have hair," said Spopovich sadly. They approached a curving metal dome that rose from the ground.   
  
--------   
  
"There! Babidi's spaceship! He buried it! Like some sort of crazy pirate wizard!" Kaioshin scowled. "And we spent so long looking for it!"   
  
"Makes us look pretty stupid, doesn't it, Master?"   
  
"No, that's just your FACE," said Vegeta. "Burn!"   
  
"Vegeta," said Piccolo reproachfully. "That's no way to treat our new friends."   
  
"But that's how I treat all of you," Vegeta muttered. "I'm being as nice as I possibly can be."   
  
"Quiet! We don't want them to hear us!"   
  
The entrance to Babidi's spaceship was imposing, metallic, ominous, and other intimidating adjectives; the sun reflected off the dull gray metal, hurting Yamu's eyes. To his surprise, the door began to slide open before they'd reached the shadow the dome cast onto the desert floor.   
  
A tall figure stepped out from within. A long, curving exoskeletal head, gleaming yellow eyes and sly, curving lips. "Yo," said Pui-Pui. "What's up?"   
  
"Is that Babidi?"   
  
"No," said Kaioshin. "That's probably one of his minions." Then he saw something that filled his heart with fear...   
  
Five red claws gripped the edge of the metal door as a small, wrinkled figure hovered out of the spaceship. Behind him, a massive being stepped out of the shadows and into the light. His cloak rustled as he moved to stand protectively beside Babidi, and he sneered at Spopovich and Yamu, his blue-sleeved arms crossed over his chest.   
  
"Dabura!!"   
  
Kibito staggered without actually moving anywhere. "I can't believe it. Even Dabura is under Babidi's spell!"   
  
"Hey," said Goku annoyingly. "Hey. Hey. Who's this Dabura guy?"   
  
"Dabura is the great Demon King of a universe of pure evil! In this universe, Goku, one of you is the strongest... but in his universe, he is the strongest by far!"   
  
"He has cool ears," said Piccolo. "He'd make a good Namek."   
  
"You're wrong, Piccolo! He's pure evil! He delights in the suffering and torment of others!"   
  
"Wait," said Vegeta. "Didn't you have this conversation with ME a while back?"   
  
"Yes, but it's much better having it with Piccolo," said Kaioshin. "No offense, Vegeta."   
  
"None taken." Vegeta sniffed. Some day they'd appreciate him. Maybe the day he stopped filling their mailboxes with live rattlesnakes? No, he KNEW they appreciated the joke, even though they had frequently threatened to kill him. Well, he knew he was the greatest, and it was his opinion that mattered. Go Vegeta! Yes! After all, he was the sexiest Saiyajin alive!   
  
"I really, really hate being able to read minds," said Kaioshin. "Really."   
  
"Master Babidi," said Yamu proudly. "We have brought you this energy, just as you requested."   
  
"Good job!" Babidi extended his withered little arms to take the needle. "Now, you'll probably be wanting some sort of reward."   
  
Pui-Pui chuckled. Dabura grinned. Spopovich drooled a little.   
  
"Yes," said Yamu happily. He couldn't wait. This was going to be great! 


	26. The Dastardly Dabura

Babidi's eyes narrowed. "A reward for you two fine gentlemen," he said thoughtfully. "Now, what should it be?"   
  
"The power of FIRE!" said Yamu enthusiastically. "They'll call me Flaming Yamu! Master of FIRE!"   
  
Dabura shook his head. "I'm already master of fire."   
  
"Oh." Yamu sighed. "How about... I know! I become Yamu, King of the Demon Realm!"   
  
"No! I'm already King of the Demon Realm!"   
  
"Well... how about you give me a cool cape?"   
  
Dabura pointed an accusing claw at Yamu. "I think you're doing this on purpose."   
  
"I've got a good one," said Pui-Pui helpfully. "What if you gave him one of those humorous thankyou cards? Like, the front says 'To My Good Friend', and then inside it tricks you because it says 'Who Is Ugly And Not At All My Good Friend!' Those make me laugh."   
  
"I'm sure they do," said Babidi, stroking his chin tendril. "But that's not exactly what I had in mind."   
  
"Oh," said Dabura, catching on. "You're going to do something evil."   
  
"That's right."   
  
"Like..." Pui-Pui paled. "One of those greeting cards that has a picture of a naked woman on the front, but when you open it up, it's actually a naked man?"   
  
"Pui-Pui, remember that part of our training where I told you to shut up?"   
  
"I see where this is going," said Pui-Pui. "And I'm already twelve steps ahead of you. Silent Pui-Pui, that's me."   
  
"You've trained him well, Dabura," said Babidi, nodding appreciatively. "He's truly mastered the art of silence!"   
  
"Yes, now if only I could do the same for you."   
  
"What's that?"   
  
Dabura cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, I didn't say anything. It was just the wind whispering through the rocks."   
  
"It sounded like you were being insubordinate, Dabura."   
  
"Funny how whispering rocks sound insubordinate, isn't it."   
  
Babidi's eyes narrowed. "I'll take your word for it. Very well, Spopovich, I have your reward for you."   
  
"Is it the sweet, enriching taste of brains?" Spopovich clutched his hands together eagerly. "Say it's so!"   
  
"Pui-Pui, where the hell did you find these guys?"   
  
Pui-Pui shook his head mutely, and put two fingers over his head.   
  
"Two words," said Yamu helpfully.   
  
"No, quit it! We haven't got time for your idiot antics! Henchmen! They always have to be so sassy and full of eccentric character traits!" Babidi focused his wrinkled, lemony-fresh gaze on Spopovich, and then extended two boney hands in front of him. Streams of rainbow light began to flicker around his eyes and his tiny mouth opened in a hideous grin.   
  
"This is a good thing, right?" said Spopovich uncertainly.   
  
"Pappara-PA!"   
  
The dark magic filled Spopovich's entire body, coursing through his muscles, pulsing through his tendons, wrapping around his ligaments and stretching his body until he could hear his skin straining as though it might give away from the force of the energy swelling up inside him. His eyes bulged, his bones creaked, his lungs tried to scream but were suffocated by his ribs and muscles as they grew and expanded.   
  
"Cool," said Yamu. "You're turning him into Giant Spopovich. He'll be super strong now!"   
  
"This is terrible," whispered Kaioshin.   
  
Goku's face was twitching with horror. "What is this?! Gohan, cover your eyes! Vegeta, don't look!"   
  
"Shut up, Kakarotto! I'm not afraid!"   
  
"Then stop hiding behind my shoulder," growled Piccolo.   
  
Spopovich staggered forwards, trying to move on his rapidly expanding legs, and then froze as his throat was clenched by the swelling of his neck. He retched, his purple tongue stretching obscenely out of the corner of his mouth, his eyes now twice their normal size as they struggled to escape from his skull, his tiny hands flailing at the ends of arms far too large for the body--   
  
"Oh," said Yamu, realisation dawning. "This is a bad thing, isn't it?"   
  
Spopovich exploded. Dabura was quick to deflect the flying Spopovich parts with his cape, lifting it up to shield his face. Thanks to the tireless work of Johnny, who also doubled as a tailor, the cape was left stain free. Pui-Pui, on the other hand, looked silently disgusted as he began to scrape pieces of Spopovich out of his exoskeleton.   
  
Yamu stepped backwards. He was pretty damn sure this was a bad thing. Then, realising that his dream of being Flaming Yamu would never be fulfilled, he panicked and took to the skies.   
  
"Pui-Pui!" commanded Babidi, who for some reason was untouched by the Spopovich fragments.   
  
The tall boney henchman nodded, extended his hand, and then gripped his wrist. From his fingers fired a blast of ki that sizzled through the sky and struck Yamu directly. The unfortunate henchman screamed as he was burned from existence, leaving nothing but a faint cloud of smoke in the sky.   
  
"I can't believe it," said Gohan, his voice shaking. "They kill... their own men!"   
  
"What sort of filthy scoundrel would do that?" demanded Goku.   
  
"Yes," snarled Piccolo. "What sort of low-life would fire a ki blast at his own henchman, his own friend? His own loyal companion?"   
  
"Er, yeah," said Vegeta. "What a jerk. Shooting his friend like that. Shame on him." He coughed nervously.   
  
"Well, Dabura," said Babidi. "I think we can say that Yamu and Spopovich just got rewarded... rewarded with PAIN! Right? Huh? PAIN!"   
  
Dabura sighed. "Yes, Master Babidi. Rewarded with pain."   
  
"You've got to emphasise it," demanded Babidi. "A lesson in PAIN!" He clenched a tiny little fist. "Yeah! Okay, Pui-Pui, go inside and tell them to get the party hats ready for Majin Buu's revival party."   
  
Pui-Pui struggled not to talk, filled as he was with the beautiful lyrics and poetry that run rampant through the hearts of every Pui. Instead, he nodded and stepped back into the spaceship.   
  
"Now," said Babidi quietly. "You know those guys hiding behind the rocks?"   
  
"Yes." Dabura smirked. "Seven in all."   
  
"That silly Kaioshin and his gang think we don't know they're there," said Babidi, giggling. "But guess what! We do!"   
  
"I'd never have guessed, Master."   
  
"I can sense that three of them have incredible power. Kaioshin and Kibito are worthless, we can't use their energy, and as for the weaklings, dispose of them."   
  
Dabura nodded slightly. "At your request, Master."   
  
"Give 'em a reward of PAIN!" Babidi shook his little fist, and continued ranting about PAIN as he made his way back into the spaceship.   
  
Dabura stood solitary outside the spaceship, his back to the rocks, his arms folded across his chest. He seemingly gazed at the mountain horizon before him, his eyes closed.   
  
"What's he waiting for?" Goku fidgeted. "I want to go chase the little guy."   
  
Dabura's eyes opened. His fist clenched. Slowly, his cape began to hover behind him.   
  
"I love being alive," said Kibito, unwisely.   
  
Dabura's slitted pupils glanced back. Vegeta noticed and stepped away from the rock, his eyes widening. "He knows we're here!"   
  
With a guttural snarl, Dabura whirled towards them, flying at an incredible speed and stopping directly in front of Kibito's startled gaze. His hand was held directly before him, palm stretched directly over Kibito's head; the others could merely stare, stunned, without the time to react. Dabura's mouth pulled back in a snarl that revealed his fangs and red ki formed in his hand. With a roar of demonic fury, Dabura unleashed a massive blast that completely engulfed Kibito, enveloping him with ki that dissolved every inch of his body.   
  
"Kibito!" cried Gohan, but it was too late. As the cone of energy faded, it revealed that where Kibito had once crouched was nothing but empty air and wisps of smoke. Dabura chuckled.   
  
"Kibito," said Kaioshin, his voice stunned.   
  
"Ha!" said Goku, leaping to his feet. "That's the last mistake you'll ever make, Dabura! You see, now he's going to come back even stronger than before, and he'll fire a Super Kamehameha that will finish you off! Right, guys?"   
  
They stared at him.   
  
"With a zenkai powerup," said Goku enthusiastically. "He'll regenerate."   
  
They stared at him. Goku's grin lowered, and he seemed perplexed. "Right, guys... right?"   
  
"No, Goku. He's not coming back."   
  
"Piccolo - are you trying to tell me he wasn't Perfect Cell?"   
  
"No, Kakarotto, you idiot!" Vegeta slammed his fist into his palm. "He obviously wasn't Perfect Cell! Gohan killed him!"   
  
"That's right," agreed Piccolo. "I don't see where you got that stupid idea from, Goku!"   
  
"He was OBVIOUSLY Frieza," said Vegeta angrily. "And I was going to kill him myself, and now I can't, thanks to that damn Dabura!"   
  
Dabura had already been assessing those gathered below him, and before they could retaliate, he unleashed a silver gob of spit that splashed onto Krillin's shirt.   
  
"Hey!" complained Krillin. "That was really disgusting."   
  
"Oh no," said Kaioshin. "Oh, this is terrible!"   
  
"Oh, come on, it's just SPIT," said Krillin. "Oh, I get it. You were one of those kids who wouldn't share food or drink at school because you were afraid of germs, right? Hahahahaha! Oh, crap, I'm turning into a statue."   
  
"I should have warned them," moaned Kaioshin.   
  
"Krillin!" cried Goku. "What's happening to Krillin?"   
  
And indeed, something was happening to Krillin. Where Dabura's spit had landed, stone was replacing fabric and flesh, creeping over his body while the noseless man could do nothing but cry in horror. Piccolo, Gohan, even Vegeta watched, horrified, as Krillin's body was encased in stone until nothing remained but one frantic eye, gazing out for help, before even that was left cold and lifeless.   
  
"You'll pay!" roared Piccolo, leaping to his feet and charging head-on at Dabura. Dabura merely replied with another dart of spittle that hit Piccolo in the chest. The Namek gazed down, stunned, as he felt his body shifting into stone.   
  
"Not Piccolo!" Goku shook his head. "Dabura, you bastard!" He leapt forward, trying to strike Dabura, but the red-skinned demon blocked his blows with ease. Vegeta leapt to join the attack, but Dabura swiftly dodged each punch and kick. The Lord of the Demon Realm darted aside, laughing raucously as the remaining four gazed up at him with fear and loathing.   
  
"Lord Babidi awaits you in his spaceship!" said Dabura, drifting away from them. "I'm sure I'll meet you there." He hesitated. "Oh, damnit. And... ugh. I can't believe I'm going to say this. Okay. You're going to get a reward in PAIN."   
  
"But that's lame!" protested Goku.   
  
Dabura sighed. "I know. I know. Now, where was I? Evil laughter! Bwahahahaha!" Cackling, he swooped back to the spaceship and disappeared through the door.   
  
"What happened to them?" said Gohan. Goku stepped forward and reached out for Piccolo's statue.   
  
"Don't touch them!" snapped Kaioshin. "If you break them, there's no way to bring them back!"   
  
"So, there IS a way to bring them back?" asked Goku hopefully.   
  
Kaioshin looked down sadly. "Well. Dabura's spit, as you've seen, turns those it comes into contact with to stone. However, if Dabura dies, then all his victims will be brought to life again."   
  
"Ha!" Vegeta grinned. "I'll kill him, you'll see!"   
  
"Vegeta," said Goku kindly. "You said that about Frieza."   
  
"So? I can be wrong once!"   
  
"And about #18," added Gohan.   
  
"Twice! I can be wrong twice!"   
  
"You were wrong about Cell, too."   
  
"Shut up! I can be wrong three times and still be right all the time! I am Vegeta!"   
  
Kaioshin stared at them. "You're not really going to go in there, are you? Babidi is expecting us now!"   
  
"That's what we came all the way here to do, isn't it?" Goku grinned. "Come on, it'll be fun. Let's go, Gohan!"   
  
The two Sons leapt from the rocks and flew towards the spaceship. Kaioshin turned to Vegeta. "You're not going as well, are you? You seem to be smart, Vegeta! You surely have your self-preservation in mind!"   
  
Vegeta glanced around him. "What? Is there some other guy here named Vegeta? I hope he's super strong, so I can get him to beat me up!"   
  
Kaioshin shook his head. "Nevermind. Then, if we're to enter Babidi's Spaceship, we must do so together. That is the only way we can kill him and destroy Majin Buu." 


	27. The Story of PuiPui

"This is going to be so cool," repeated Babidi, polishing his crystal ball. "Don't you think so, Dabura?"  
  
Dabura frowned. "It would be better if you just let me crush them within my mighty fists."  
  
"But then we don't get to watch the fight," said Babidi patiently. "Plus, we'd get no energy for Majin Buu! Speaking of which, where'd I put the Quadromatic Flux Injector?"  
  
"The what?"  
  
"You know," said Babidi, waving his hand vaguely, "the Pulse Plasma Phasing Soundconducive Transferral Device."  
  
"You mean the needle?"  
  
Babidi sighed. "Dabura, we talked about this. This is a spaceship. If you don't call things by futuristic names, then the whole 'We're in a spaceship' effect is completely wasted. Now hand me the Molecular Reinitializer."  
  
"Shall I go place it in the Spherical Containment Orb?" said Dabura sarcastically. "I'll walk over there in my Feet Containment Units."  
  
Babidi's black-rimmed eyes squeezed half-shut as he glared at Dabura. "Don't mock me, Dabura. I have the Power. Now, let's see how much energy Yamu and Spopovich got for me." He inserted the tip of the needle into the machinery surrounding the cocoon, and his bulging eyes widened as the dial spun... and spun... and spun.  
  
"Look at that!" marvelled Babidi. "That's almost half the power we need! How did they drain that many people? They're the fastest, most effecient minions I've ever had! Dabura, promote Yamu to 'Fire Yamu', and give Spopovich all the brains he wants!"  
  
"Er," said Dabura. "You killed them, Master."  
  
"Oh," said Babidi. "That's right. I did, didn't I? Silly me. Ah, well, let's see what's happening back up in the spaceship. Turn on my Visionary Shifting Transcieving Sphere!"  
  
Dabura tapped the crystal ball until it shuddered into life.  
  
--------  
  
They hovered down through a steel chute that lead deep within the earth. It ended in a wide, curved room with a steel hatch set in the floor and a wide door up against one of the walls.  
  
"So, where's Majin Buu?" said Goku. "Is he behind that door?"  
  
"No, Goku," said Kaioshin.  
  
"Is he under that circle thing on the floor?"  
  
"Yes, Goku."  
  
"Is he behind that door?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
The door opened. A figure emerged. A pair of sneering lips underneath a scratched exoskeletal head that stretched back for half a metre, adorned with a curling M. Two yellow, pupiless eyes. Kaioshin gasped.  
  
"Pui-Pui! The mightiest of the Puis!"  
  
"That's right," said Pui-Pui, stepping into the chamber. "I am the great Pui-Pui. Destroyer of worlds! Welcome to Babidi's Spaceship. This place will be your TOMB!"  
  
"Who are you?" demanded Goku.  
  
Pui-Pui frowned. "Have you not heard of Pui-Pui? The mightiest of the Puis?"  
  
"I just said that," muttered Kaioshin. "But they don't listen to me."  
  
"I am a mighty warrior," began Pui-Pui. "I have trained under the Demon Lord Dabura himself. But my story is a story filled with woe and tragedy. A story unlike any story you've ever heard. Do you wish to hear my story?"  
  
"Oh, heavens, yes!" squealed Vegeta, clapping his hands. "I love a story!"  
  
They looked at him. "Don't look at me, Kakarotto said it," Vegeta mumbled.  
  
"Did I?" Goku shrugged. "Well, if Vegeta says so, it's true! He's always right!"  
  
"Then I shall tell you my story," said Pui-Pui. "This story is known as 'The Story of Pui-Pui'."  
  
"Hey," said Dabura, from within the spaceship's lower level. "That's not fair. Babidi, are you going to let him do this?"  
  
"Why not? Everybody loves a story, Dabura!"  
  
--------  
  
"Once upon a time," began Pui-Pui, "Many, many years ago, on a planet named Pui within the furthest reaches of the North Galaxy, a child of Destiny was born..."  
  
They held the little baby in their arms, cradling it. "Isn't it cute?" said Mother Pui-Pui, her yellow eyes soft and dewy with emotion.  
  
"Yes," said Father Pui-Pui proudly. "It is my Son."  
  
Mother Pui-Pui opened her mouth, revealing long, curved fangs. "Shall we eat him now?"  
  
"Yes, let's!" Father Pui-Pui slavered. "Tear him apart!"  
  
_ "Unfortunately," said Pui-Pui to his audience, "On Pui, it was customary for the mother and father to eat their newborn children. As you might imagine, this eventually lead to a rather significant loss in population for the Pui race. Fortunately, I managed to escape." _  
  
"It bit me!" screeched Mother Pui-Pui. "He learns so fast! I'm so proud of him, Father Pui-Pui! I bet he's delicious!"  
  
"I can't wait to take him to his first game of Puiball," said Father Pui-Pui. "After I've digested him, of course. Quick, catch him! He's getting away!"  
  
The little Pui-Pui scampered through the doorway and into the bleak, oppressive Pui City streets. Mother and Father Pui-Pui watched him go, feeling the pangs of remorse and the bigger pangs of hunger.  
  
_"For months I wandered through Pui City, looking for a place to stay, a place to live, a place where I could be loved rather than eaten with a light, spicy sauce. I wanted an honest job, something that would give me hope for a future where I could be a clean, respectable citizen. After about two days of this I got bored and turned to crime instead."_  
  
The policeman backed away. "You won't get away with this!"  
  
"Of course I will! I am the great Bandit Pui-Pui, Scourge of Pui!"  
  
"I swear, Pui-Pui, I will catch you! I will hunt you down! Your days of thievery are over! As Great God Pui-Pui is my witness, I WILL BE YOUR DESTRUCTION!"  
  
"Fool! I am more than you can handle!" Pui-Pui cackled as he swung the bag of loot over his shoulder. There was a brief crack as something broke under the weight. "Okay, this bag is heavy."  
  
"Are you okay? That sounded pretty bad."  
  
"No, I'm fine," said Pui-Pui, rubbing his back. "Just lifted it a little too fast. Jeeze, that hurts."  
  
"Put some ice on it," the policeman suggested. "Or do what my grandpa did - he used to have a hot bath whenever he damaged his exoskeleton."  
  
"You really think that'll work?"  
  
"Sure," said the policeman.  
  
"Hey, thanks."  
  
"No problem." The policeman cleared his throat. "Don't think you can escape, Pui-Pui! Your death at my hands is assured! You will die the dishonourable death of a brigand!"  
  
"Hahahaha!" Pui-Pui actually spoke the words instead of laughing, mostly for dramatic effect. "Tell all your friends that a new force is in town. A force of pure evil! And his name is PUI-PUI!"  
_"Of course," Pui-Pui mused, "Everybody on planet Pui was named Pui-Pui. I didn't think of it at the time, but looking back on that moment now, I'm pretty sure that explains why at least nine hundred people were afterwards arrested for bank robbery. Anyway, I moved to the mountains, where I became quite well known as a bandit who preyed on the rich and poor alike."_  
  
"Your money or your life!"  
  
The old Pui gazed up at the bandit wearily. "You would rob an old Pui of his last worldly possessions?"  
  
"Yes," said Pui-Pui honestly.  
  
"I have nothing material, young Pui. Nothing that you would value."  
  
"You have a pretty cool beard. I want it."  
  
"Beards grow, young Pui. They cannot be stolen and forcefully grafted onto your chin, as you are attempting to do now. In time, you will learn these things. Also, that really hurt when you tore my beard off like that, you little bastard."  
  
Pui-Pui dropped the beard and stomped on it. "Stupid beard! Well then, old Pui, what can you offer me?"  
  
"I can train you," said the old Pui, his eyes lighting up. "In the mysterious way of KI! I can teach you to power yourself up! To fire blasts of pure energy! To fly through the skies as though you were a bird!"  
  
"What? Really?"  
  
The old man's face twitched, and then he burst into laughter. "Oh, man," he snorted. "'What? Really?' I can't believe you fell for that! Nobody can do those things, young Pui. They are impossible. You're so gullible."  
  
"If 'gullible' means 'about to shoot you', then yes," said Pui-Pui, and fired. "That'll teach you not to make fun of the Great Pui-Pui."  
  
_"Of course," recalled Pui-Pui, "I later met another old man who wasn't joking, and he did teach me the ways of ki. He and I became good friends. He was my teacher, and I was his student. I remember the first time he told me to fire a blast of ki from my hands..."_  
  
"You have done well, Pui-Pui," said Master Pui-Pui. "The time has come for you to take the ki you have used for flying and turn it into a weapon of pure destructive force."  
  
"Cool," said Pui-Pui.  
  
"Just look within you and fire a blast of purest ki at me."  
  
"But, er, won't that hurt you?"  
  
"No," said Master Pui-Pui. "For I am one with the Ki. I am fluid and my mind is strong."  
  
"Kay," said Pui-Pui. "So, like, I just point at you and fire, right? Energy, right?"  
  
"Yes. Do not be afraid, young Pui-Pui. I am more than capable of deflecting it."  
  
"Neat." Pui-Pui clenched his fist and pointed at his master, and the focused. He felt the power running through his body, forming on his fist, blasting forth...  
  
"You're doing it!" said the Master. "Good job, Pui-Pui! Now, I will deflect it!"  
  
Pui-Pui winced. "I thought you said you could deflect it," he said eventually.  
  
"I was wrong," gasped Master Pui-Pui, from his broken, crumpled position on the ground. "But do not be deterred from your path, Pui-Pui. You have great power within you."  
  
"I'll say," said Pui-Pui. "Are you okay?"  
  
"No," rasped the master. "In fact, I am far from okay. I'm dying. But I do not blame you, Pui-Pui. I blame myself, for underestimating your power. I thought that I was stronger than you. I thought that I could merely swat your blast away with my arm. But I was wrong."  
  
_"Yeah," said Vegeta, nodding. "I know how he felt."  
  
"Don't interrupt the story," scolded Pui-Pui. "Anyway, as I was saying, my master died at my own hands. It was an accident, but later on I pretended that I meant to do it so that I could become the new master. It seemed like the evil thing to do. With my new powers, I was truly unstoppable. I was a force of evil that nobody on Pui could dare to match."_  
  
"Curse you, Pui-Pui! You vicious bandit!"  
  
"That's me," said Pui-Pui. "Ally to vicious bandits, nightmare to you!"  
  
"You've destroyed our people, burned our crops, and attempted to have your way with our women--"  
  
"Yes," said Pui-Pui sadly. "But none of my pickup lines worked."  
  
"--and now you would destroy what little we have left. Spare us, Pui-Pui! In your evil benevolence, spare us! Do not fire that blast of energy you hold above your head!"  
  
"What, this energy ball thing? I totally forgot I had it there. What was I going to do with this thing again?"  
  
"You were going to destroy our town, remember?"  
  
"Oh, right!" Pui-Pui grinned. "Thanks! I'd forget my own head if it wasn't so damn sexy. Okay, here I go. Pui-Pui Ball Attack!"  
  
"Nooo!" wailed the villager. "You destroyed our town with a ball of energy!"  
  
"And then I shot you with a beam of ki from my finger," added Pui-Pui.  
  
"Really? I don't remember that. UGH!"  
  
Pui-Pui nodded, satisfied. "I'm a real badass."  
  
_"In the course of a month I'd destroyed most of the major Pui cities and the rest were finally paying tribute to me, the great Pui-Pui," Pui-Pui continued. "The world was under my control. I truly was the greatest Pui ever to be born. The world built statues of me! Of course, Puis are identical, so they might not have been of me, but I liked to pretend they were. I was practically ruler of the planet. Nobody had ki to match mine! Nobody! Until the day Dabura came and destroyed the rest of the population..."_  
  
"FREEZE!" A shadow emerged from the rocks, fingers extended towards Dabura and Babidi. His long white exoskeleton curved around his gleaming yellow eyes, and a silly mouth that seemed fix in a permanent stupid grin. "Are you responsible for the slaughter of millions upon millions of innocent, harmless Pui's?"  
  
"Yes," said Dabura.  
  
"Ah. Well, would you be scared to find out that I am the Great Pui-Pui, Scourge of the Galaxy?"  
  
"No," said Dabura.  
  
"You should be. It may look like I am merely holding my hands in a ridiculous way, but I can in fact shoot energy attacks that would destroy you in an instant!"  
  
"You mean, like this one?" Dabura lifted his hand and fired a ball of sparkling energy that slammed Pui-Pui in the chest and sent him flying into a nearby boulder. It crumbled, burying the bandit underneath a crushing weight of rubble.  
  
---------  
  
"And so it ended," concluded Pui-Pui. "I, the Great Pui-Pui, defeated by Dabura and enlisted to travel with Babidi to ensure the resurrection of Majin Buu. Do not underestimate me! My power is as great as my story is long and boring! You will not find any mercy at my hands!"  
  
Babidi wiped a tear from his big, bulbous eye. "That was a touching story of drama and betrayal, wasn't it, Dabura? Dabura? Wake up! You've fallen asleep on the floor, you fool!"  
  
"The floor?" muttered Dabura, pulling himself to his feet. "Don't you mean the Level Stabilisation Platform?"  
  
Babidi frowned. "I always get the feeling that you're being insubordinate, Dabura. And now, let us see how Pui-Pui deals with these intruders..."  



	28. Vegeta Fights First

Pui-Pui waited for them to throw themselves on the floor in fear, cower while begging for mercy, and possibly proclaim Pui-Pui to be their new King and Ruler.  
  
"Who gets to go first?" said Goku. "This is so exciting!"  
  
"Clearly, I am the most qualified to fight any villain we're up against," said Vegeta smugly. "Hey! Stop laughing at me! Don't mock me! I'll cut you!"  
  
"Sorry, Vegeta," said Gohan, trying to regain his self control. "No offense. But seriously, the only good way to decide this is with a game of Paper Scissors Rock."  
  
Vegeta rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "You know," he said. "I'm often considered to be a master tactician, and I just had a brilliant, tactical idea. What if we decided who would fight first with a game of Paper Scissors Rock?"  
  
"Brilliant idea, Vegeta!" Goku danced a tiny dance of joy. "I'm so lucky to have you as my son!"  
  
Gohan wept quietly as Kaioshin stepped in and shook his hands frantically. "Don't you think we should all fight him together? Babidi's warriors are the fiercest in the universe!"  
  
"Fierce?" said Vegeta. "Or NOT fierce?"  
  
"That's our master tactician Vegeta," Goku burbled happily. "Always knows the answer."  
  
Kaioshin staggered away, pressing his forehead against the cool metal wall hoping that this horrible dream would end. "Now," said Vegeta, rubbing his hands, "Let's play Paper Scissors Rock. I'm awesome at this game. Although I must admit, I am the best at everything."  
  
"You said it!" Goku lifted his arm in the air. "High-fives for Vegeta!"  
  
"No," said Vegeta. Goku sighed and put his arm down again.  
  
"Well, here goes." The three Saiyajins huddled together. "One!" chanted Goku. "Two!" cried Gohan. "Three!" said Vegeta, hoping he was sounding badass and menacing. Their hands transformed into their symbol of choice, and they frantically compared their own fists to those of their neighbours.  
  
"Paper beats rock," said Goku, nudging Gohan. "Looks like you lose, Gohan. And... er... what is that, Vegeta?"  
  
"Dynamite," said Vegeta proudly.  
  
"But there's no dynamite in paper, rock, scissors--"  
  
"Or IS there?" Vegeta glared at Goku. "IS there, Kakarotto? How can you be so sure? Dynamite beats everything!"  
  
Goku's face closed down as he focused all his intelligence on working out this problem. It was left to Gohan to step in and save the day.  
  
"Vegeta," Gohan said reasonably. "He's right. There is no such thing as Dynamite."  
  
"DYNAMITE EXPLODES!" screamed Vegeta, flapping his dynamite-fist in Gohan's face. "VEGETA WINS!" Gohan screamed and ran into the corner, where he curled into a ball and began to rock back and forth, mumbling into his palms.  
  
"That's all sorted, then." Vegeta tugged on his spandex and flicked dust off his shoulder. "Get ready to see a master in action, Kakarotto. I've been training for seven years. I've learned a lot of things. I'm stronger now. Faster, too."  
  
"Dynamite," muttered Goku, his voice hollow. Vegeta dropped into a fighting pose, his fists clenched before him. Pui-Pui, who was at least ten minutes behind on current events, just stared.  
  
"Come on," Vegeta insisted. "Bring it. You got the goods, take them to the supermarket!"  
  
"That didn't even make any sense," said Kaioshin, through gritted teeth. He began to thump his head slowly against the wall.  
  
The shaken (but not stirred) Pui-Pui regained his wits. "Right," he said. "I can do this. I'm Pui-Pui. I trained under Dabura. I can fire blasts and stuff from my hands." He brightened up. "And I beat that slug! I can do this!" He did a sudden double backflip and pushed himself off the wall, hurtling through the air. "I'm fast! Bet you can't track my movements with your slow, stupid eyes!"  
  
"I can't see him!" gloated Vegeta. "Where has he gone! Oh, gosh! He's so fast!"  
  
"Ha!" said Pui-Pui. "I'm actually right behind you!"  
  
"I was being sarcastic," said Vegeta. He sneered. "You're a joke, Pui-Pui."  
  
"Actually, I was also being sarcastic," said Pui-Pui. "I'm right above you."  
  
"Huh?" Vegeta glanced up, and Pui-Pui grinned down at him. The Saiyajin Prince frowned. "Hey, that's not how it's meant to go."  
  
"Surprised by my speed?" Pui-Pui chuckled as he did another flip in the air and landed in the corner, bowing gracefully. "I haven't even started yet!"  
  
--------  
  
"This is great," said Babidi. "Pui-Pui's going to win for sure."  
  
"Master--"  
  
"Go Pui-Pui! Go! Yes! Beat that little redhead!"  
  
"--Master--"  
  
"Yes! You have him now! You've caught him by his breasts!"  
  
"Master!"  
  
"What, Dabura?"  
  
"I've been trying to tell you for the last five minutes that this isn't the first level of the spaceship. Somehow, your crystal orb has been picking up some form of pornographic televised media."  
  
"Ohhh," said Babidi thoughtfully. "That explains why Pui-Pui was doing all that stuff with his tongue instead of his fists."  
  
"Before this becomes any bawdier, Master, I suggest you fix it." This is, after all, a G-Rated fanfiction.  
  
"Who said that?" Babidi glanced upwards. "Something said something."  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about, Master." Dabura shrugged. "Maybe it's merely the excitement of Majin Buu's imminent resurrection making you giddy with glee. No doubt you can hardly contain yourself from capering around the room engulfed in convulsions of joy, laughter and merriment bursting from within you."  
  
"That's probably it," said Babidi. "That happens a lot to me, you know. Especially after I have my dreams that Majin Buu has been released from his cocoon. Shall I tell you about my most recent dream?"  
  
"I'd rather you nailed my head to the ceiling, Master Babidi."  
  
"Good," said Babidi, completely ignoring him. "It went like this..."  
  
--------  
  
Babidi leapt off the cloud and sailed down a slide of stars, giggling happily as he went. Oh, life was good. Sparkling unicorns flew past him, and he merrily picked them off with deft blows of his huge, muscular arms (for in his dream, he was not a wrinkled lemon, but a tall, muscular warrior, with great strength and long flowing locks of hair.)  
  
He landed on a spongy surface that turned out to be Majin Buu's cocoon. "Strange," said Babidi, in his new booming tenor voice. "I've landed on Majin Buu's cocoon. I thought it was always a little smaller than this!"  
  
Suddenly it writhed beneath his feet. "By gum!" cried Babidi. "It's hatching!" Then he was thrown off the cocoon and inexplicably landed in a vat of treacle, which he waded in for a bit before rising to the surface and spying the cocoon (now back to it's original size) sitting a metre away, splitting open. For some reason, it did so surrounded by a cloud of confetti.  
  
_"Your dreams are weird," said Dabura.  
  
"It gets better!"_  
  
As the cocoon split open, it revealed a dark, menacing figure, a wraith cloaked in shadow that stepped forward into the light to reveal itself - Majin Buu! Destroyer of Worlds! Crusher of Dreams! Totally Awesome!  
  
"I knew it!" cried Babidi. "I knew it all along! Majin Buu is a giant robot with a tiny little canopy at the top for me to ride in!" He clambered up the side of the Buubot and settled into the leather seat, and then began hitting randomly at the controls (his dream mind insisted that he knew what he was doing), and before he knew it he was flying through space, firing torpedoes and lasers at giant Kaioshins that flew at him from all directions.  
  
"Oh, Babidi," roared Majin Buu, in a voice that was much like the pet dinosaur Babidi had always wanted. "Let us be friends forever."  
  
"Friends forever!" Babidi hit the Nuclear Flamethrow attack. "Take that, Kaioshin!"  
  
---------  
  
"And you see," finished Babidi, "That is my dream."  
  
Dabura had backed away to a safe distance, and now studied his master dubiously. "You dream that Majin Buu is a giant robot that you can pilot through space?"  
  
"More or less."  
  
The Demon King stared at the cocoon, and did some mental calculations. "Master, a giant robot wouldn't fit in there."  
  
"I'm not very big," said Babidi pathetically. "I wouldn't mind if it was a small robot."  
  
"I wonder how Pui-Pui is doing," said Dabura, very slowly and very deliberately. "Maybe we should have a look."  
  
"Yes! Pui-Pui! Good idea! What's that little rascal up to now, then?"  
  
--------  
  
"It's time to get serious," said Vegeta. "And everybody here knows what happens when I get serious."  
  
"You get beaten up," Gohan helpfully provided.  
  
"Shut up!" Vegeta motioned mockingly at Pui-Pui. "Come on, you fool. Fight me! Attack me with everything you've got! If you can't handle the heat, then don't sit in front of the fireplace in your thick woolly jacket!"  
  
Kaioshin slammed his face so hard into the wall that he briefly lapsed into a coma.  
  
"If that's what you want," said Pui-Pui casually. "But I warn you. I learned something in the Gravity Holodeck of Time and Space."  
  
"The what?" Vegeta waved his hand dismissively. "Whatever. It can't be all that important."  
  
"You'll see," said Pui-Pui to himself. "You'll all see!" 


	29. PuiPui's Battle Begins!

Vegeta attacked.  
  
Years of training propelled the Saiyajin Prince forward. With several deft, powerful blows, he struck at Pui-Pui's exoskeleton, knocking the Pui back. Recoiling, and then recovering, Pui-Pui attacked with the Hundred Fists of Pui-Pui (which was actually three small punches and an uppercut, mathematics not being Pui-Pui's strong point). Vegeta ducked the first two punches but was caught off guard by the third, and the uppercut knocked him back.  
  
The little Saiyajin rubbed his jaw. "You fool! You're no match for me with that level of punching power!"  
  
"Oh, yeah?" Pui-Pui snickered. "I am rubber, you are glue! Bounces off me and sticks to you!"  
  
"Curses!" Vegeta lowered his head in shame. "He is a master of insults."  
  
Pui-Pui stepped back then leapt forward, diving into the Million Kicks Attack (all seven of them). Vegeta dodged Pui-Pui's rapidly blurring leg and swooped around him, striking from the side. Pui-Pui was sent flying but recovered in the air, then headbutted the rapidly approaching Vegeta in the chest. Vegeta fell backwards with a grunt as the air was forced out of him.  
  
"That was my Super Pui-Pui Headbutt," said Pui-Pui proudly. "Now, that's what I call using your head!"  
  
Despite his lack of oxygen, Vegeta laughed. "Using your head! That's priceless! But are you prepared for this? It's my Final Foot!"  
  
Pui-Pui blocked it, although the strength of the kick made him wince. "That was just a kick."  
  
"No," growled Vegeta. "Final Foot."  
  
"This is fascinating," said Kaioshin. "They're equally matched in their stupidity."  
  
Vegeta resumed his assault, his gloved fists raining down hammer blows on Pui-Pui's exoskeleton. Taken off guard, Pui-Pui endured the attacks before breaking free and attempting a two-handed hammer blow from above. Unfortunately, Vegeta's hair impaled Pui-Pui's hands, and as the Pui screamed in agony Vegeta took the advantage of charging up a small ki blast and hurtling it at his opponent. It exploded on impact, forcing Pui-Pui back into the metal wall. The Pui grunted as he left a Pui-Pui sized dent in the spaceship.  
  
"Now that's what I call using your ki blast!" said Vegeta proudly. Kaioshin sighed. Pui-Pui popped himself free and slithered to his feet.  
  
"You know," said Vegeta, "I'm not even using a fraction of my power."  
  
Pui-Pui frowned. He had to focus on his training. He had to use the newfound power he felt swimming around inside him like a crazed dolphin encased in a lead cocoon. He tried to focus on his inner ki, but felt it slipping away. He wasn't ready!

* * *

"You know what would be cool?" said Babidi. "If we teleported them all to Pui-Pui's home planet. The gravity there is an incredible 10 TIMES EARTH'S GRAVITY!"  
  
"Terrifying," said Dabura.  
  
"They'll be squashed! SPLAT!" Babidi slammed his fist into his palm, just in case Dabura didn't grasp the concept of splatting. "Flatter than Flat Albert!"  
  
"That's Fat Albert," said Dabura. "And we don't even know who he is."  
  
"Right," said Babidi absently. "Now, let's see... Pappara-Pa! You know, I've often thought I should come up with a new magic phrase. Something catchier. Like, 'Dance-Dance-PAZAM!'"  
  
Dabura's hands twitched as he tried to focus instead on the fascinating wall in front of him.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the first level of the Spaceship, things were getting seriously funky.  
  
"What's happening?" shouted Goku, above the roaring sound as they were forcibly dislocated from their coordinates in time and space and sent hurtling like a temporal frisbee.  
  
"I think Babidi has cast a spell that is transporting us from one place in the timespace in the continuum to another," Kaioshin replied. "Our physical location is being interchanged with that in another location of the galaxy."  
  
"Ah," said Gohan. "So, in essence, we're experiencing a shift in the sub-quantum level of the physical molecular universe."  
  
"Precisely."  
  
"Wouldn't that have repercussions for the looping effect in the dynamic arrays of hyperspace?"  
  
"Possibly, but I think that the law of sub-dividing atoms has priority in this instance."  
  
"I bet those taste good," said Goku, trying to be helpful.  
  
Suddenly the madness stopped. They were not in the Spaceship, they were in...  
  
...a planet, barren and wasted, with an atmosphere so thin that the sky above them was nothing but a quilt of stars and distant galaxies sprinkled into formation.  
  
Vegeta stopped crouching in his patented fighting pose and glanced around uncertainly. "Hey," he said. "Something has changed, but I can't quite put my finger on it."  
  
"We're on a different planet," said Pui-Pui.  
  
"Oh. Nothing big, then."  
  
Pui-Pui smiled proudly as he looked upon his world. "Behold! Pui. This planet you see before you laying in ruins. Cities are nothing but crumbled piles of rubble, lakes are dried out beds of salt, the ground itself strewn with the masonry of our civilisation."  
  
"What happened here?" asked Gohan. "Was there a great disaster?"  
  
"Huh? No, it's always been like this. This is how Puis build things. We take some rocks and break them, and throw the pieces all over the place. We're very advanced." He lifted one of those rocks from the ground, and held it in the air. "Now, let me show you the deadly secret of Planet Pui!"  
  
He dropped the rock, and instead of hitting the ground and stopping, it punched right through. "Ten times normal gravity," said Pui-Pui menacingly. "Ten. Times. Normal. Gravity."  
  
"Oh no!" screamed Goku. "Not ten times normal gravity!"  
  
"Yes!" gloated Pui-Pui. "TEN TIMES NORMAL GRAVITY!"  
  
Vegeta giggled, realised that Saiyajin Princes can't giggle, and tried to adapt it to a high-pitched chuckle. "You have to be joking. Ten times gravity? If you had said six BILLION TRILLION QILLION times gravity, you might have scared me... but ten times gravity is nothing at all!"  
  
"Qillion isn't a real number," said Kaioshin.  
  
"Qilions of people would disagree with you," said Vegeta sternly. "And now, it's time I showed you the true power of a Saiyajin!"  
  
With a roar, he began building up his energy. They waited patiently for the roar to stop. Five minutes later, Vegeta was looking distinctly uncomfortable as he continued roaring while making desperate hand motions and flailing at the air with his arms.  
  
"Damn!" said Gohan, realising. "He's become stuck in Power Up Scream!"  
  
Vegeta was beginning to turn purple, and sweat had broken out on his forehead. "If we don't help him soon," said Gohan, "He'll suffocate! He'd probably even die! We've got to help him!"  
  
"Do we really have to?" asked Kaioshin hopefully.  
  
"Shame on you!" scolded Gohan. "Vegeta is our true and loyal friend! It's not like he'd ever betray us and become Majin Vegeta, or something silly like that! Dad, can you help out poor Vegeta?"  
  
By now, Vegeta's powerful roar had been reduced to a frantic raspy whistle. Nodding, Goku stepped over and slapped Vegeta until the power up scream stopped abruptly. Vegeta took in several huge gulps of air and mopped his head with his forearm.  
  
"Whooo," gasped Vegeta. "Wow. That was close." He rubbed his throat. "I'll never power up ever again! Now, where was I? Oh, that's right, powering up. Hiyaaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
With a dramatic flare of golden light, Vegeta's body was illuminated with the power of Super Saiyajin. His hair, once black, was now golden, and he glared at Pui-Pui with his newly coloured eyes. "What do you think?"  
  
"Black suits you better," said Pui-Pui.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes. It goes better with the blue spandex."  
  
"But... I have super power now!" Vegeta insisted. "Super ultimate power!"  
  
"What good is super ultimate power if your hair completely clashes with your outfit?" said Pui-Pui dismissively. "You're not even a worthy opponent anymore."  
  
"I'll show you!" roared Vegeta. "I'll show you the power of Super Saiyajin Prince Lord Ultra Dance Robot Mega Z Vegeta!"  
  
Pui-Pui closed his eyes, and focused. He needed to...

* * *

..."remember your training, Pui-Pui."  
  
"What happens if I forget?" said Pui-Pui. "Is there some sort of quiz?"  
  
"No," said Dabura. "But if you forget your training, you won't be able to use it in a fight, will you?"  
  
"That's a good point."  
  
"Now tell me," said Dabura, his arms crossed. "What is the thing a man has to fear the most?"  
  
Pui-Pui considered this. "Self-doubt. A man who fears his own ability is a man who cannot reach his potential."  
  
"No! Stupid Pui-Pui! The answer is,'A cyborg velociraptor that can shoot lasers out of it's eyes!'"  
  
Pui-Pui blinked. "Oh. Right."  
  
"Let's say that you are attacked by that velociraptor," said Dabura. "He approaches you. You know that he can read all your moves, that's he faster than you, that he can fire lasers from his eyes. How will you defeat him?"  
  
Pui-Pui nodded. "I will become one with him. I will know his moves, his ways, and I will seek to match him - I will become my opponent, and he shall become me."  
  
"Where are you getting all this rubbish from?" said Dabura, scowling. "The answer is, 'Blow him up with some sort of huge ki attack.'"  
  
"I think my answer was better."  
  
"Okay, fine. Seek to become one with your opponent, and then blow him up with some sort of huge ki attack. Do you know well these lessons, Pui-Pui?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
Dabura sighed. "Can you just say, 'Yes, sensei, I know them well'?"  
  
"Wouldn't that be lying?"  
  
"Fine!" snapped Dabura. "What DID you learn from your training?"  
  
"Er, let's see," said Pui-Pui. "I did learn the Puioken Technique."  
  
"What? Who taught you that?"  
  
"I sort of made it up as we went along. See, I take all my energy, and I use it one incredible burst!"  
  
"How can you just learn a technique apparently at random? That's just stupid."  
  
"But so am I!"  
  
"Hmm," said Dabura, scratching his goatee thoughtfully. "You have a very good point there. Well then, Pui-Pui. That is your lesson - remember well the Puioken Technique that I taught you."  
  
"You never taught me tha--"  
  
Dabura glared.  
  
"--I mean, thanks for teaching the Puioken, Dabura. I'll remember it always. How can I not remember it? When cornered by a much stronger opponent, I can focus the Puioken to increase my strength and speed. I can overwhelm them with a powerful Puioken x 20 and then finish them with the might of a Puioken x 10. If I were ever to be attacked by somebody who I could not defeat by conventional means, I would assault him with the Puioken, granting myself certain victory."  
  
"Indeed," said Dabura.  
  
Pui-Pui waited.  
  
"You can stop having a flashback now."  
  
"Oh, right."

* * *

...Pui-Pui opened his eyes. "Oh, well, THAT was helpful," he complained. "Why couldn't my flashback have given me a hint on how to beat my opponent, huh?"  
  
"Time to die!" cried Vegeta, leaping in for the kill. 


End file.
